The Randomest Day in 4000 Years
by Life Returns
Summary: Volt and Kuchinawa have been betrayed. The group of heroes is so big I often forget some of them. Yuan still has a sammich fetish. They can barely remember their quest. Oh well. I'm sure it'll come back to them eventually...heh heh heh...
1. Introduction to Insanity

Presea was polishing her huge axe thing when Kratos kicked the door down.

"Hide me!" he yelled and dove under a chair. Presea said nothing. "Aren't YOU going to hide?"

"Why?"

"It's the randomest day in 4000 years! Not only is Yuan showing the symptoms of sugar-highness, but Regal is burning things!"

"Burning…?"

"Yes. And Genis is…he's…" Kratos sobbed. "He's gone insane!"

Presea frowned. "How so?"

"He…look."

Presea jumped off of the chair and looked out the window. Her eyes widened. She shook her head and walked away, shivering. "That's…scary."

"See why I'm hiding?" He yelped as the wall broke down. "Yuan!" he screamed.

Yuan giggled. "I killed the cow," he said. "I killed it."

"Cow?"

"Cow," he responded. "Cow on the wall."

Kratos and Presea stared at him. "Wanna run?" asked the Seraphim.

"Sure," responded the pink-haired girl. "Let's run…now."

The two of them dashed off, leaving a dust trail. Yuan cried, "Wait…I brought sammiches…"

Avoiding Genis, the two sane ones sadly forgot about Regal. Who was burning things. With Efreet.

"Holy shit," murmured Kratos.

"Efreet! Get back here! Hey! Stop!" Sheena was chasing the flaming Spirit. "EFREET!"

Regal laughed. "Just remember, slaughter is laughter with an 's'!"

"I never thought of that," mused Kratos.

"Dismal," commented Presea.

"Isn't it?"

"Shut up."

"No."

"Yes."

While Sheena and Regal argued, Kratos pulled out his sword and poked Efreet. Poke. Poke.

"Could you please stop that?" Efreet asked.

"If you go away." Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke. Pokepokepokepoke…

"Fine! I'm leaving!" screamed Efreet. He disappeared.

"Do I rule or what?" gloated Kratos. However, nobody noticed Kratos's splendor because they were either arguing or staring at the chaos. It truly was the randomest day in 4000 years.


	2. French Toast and Childhood Memories

Kratos sighed. "Well, at least now he can't burn stuff anymore."

Sheena glared at Regal. "That's it!" She summoned Origin.

"HOLY SHIT!" yelled everybody there.

Presea's eye twitched. "O-Origin…"

Kratos struggled not to laugh. "Oh…my…god…"

For it appeared that there was something wrong, seeming as Origin was wearing face cream, a shower cap and a pink, yes, that says PINK, towel. He shrieked like a little girl. "Oh my god!" He poofed out and reappeared in all his normal glory with Luna by his side.

"All right, which one of you made MY Origin cry?" she demanded.

"YOUR Origin?"

Luna glared. "Yes. We've been together for 2 months."

Kratos was sniggering like a madman now, trying to hold in his laughter…

It didn't work. The angel burst into peals of rude and uncalled-for laughs. Luna yelled, "Well, what's so funny?!"

"The…" Kratos was laughing like he was crazy, tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. "First…Efreet and…then…the shower cap—" He broke off into more laughs. "And then the cow and NOW…now he's making BREAKFAST!" He giggled.

"What?!" cried Sheena. She looked over at Origin, who was indeed making French toast.

Kratos leaned against a tree, still laughing. Luna looked at Origin. "C'mon, hunny, let's go," she said.

"I SUMMONED HIM!" yelled Sheena. "Now sic 'im!" She pointed at Regal.

Luna sighed. "I'll do it." She beat Regal up with a broom, and then the two Summon Spirits left.

Presea looked around. "I don't see anyone else. Maybe Zelos is at the bar."

"Maybe," agreed Sheena.

"Let's go see," suggested Kratos.

"I'm too young."

"No, you're not," said the angel. "You're…what, 27?"

"But I look like I'm 8…I mean 12!!"

Kratos crossed his arms. "Well I'm not going in alone."

Presea sighed. "Fine."

"Yay! I win!" Kratos danced around and then crashed into a building.

Presea frowned. "It seems that there is something wrong." She looked at the sky. "The clouds look normal." She looked around. "Everything looks normal."

Kratos righted himself and abruptly crashed into the same building. "Ow!"

Presea helped him up and began to drag the dizzy redhead across town. "Okay, Kratos. You just relax."

"Remember when I dropped a candle on Yuan's hand?" asked Kratos, recalling childhood memories.

"…No…"

"Well, do you remember the time Noishe and I egged Yuan's grandma's house?"

"Nooooooo…"

"How about when Yuan and I gave the 2nd graders free sex ed. classes?"

Presea was too scared to speak.

Well, how was it? I tried to be funny, and Kratos and Yuan were childhood friends in this particular fic. They were delinquents. But I think I went a little overboard with the sex ed. Oh well. Flames welcome, in fact, enjoyed, for we need fire for our Mithos-burning. You would not BELIEVE how many fluffy bunnies he's stolen. See ya!


	3. Presea's Theory and Presea's Tragedy

Disclaimer: I do NOT own Tales of Symphonia. Really, I promise.

Zelos was indeed at the bar.

Sad.

At any rate, he was hitting on all those random drunk girls.

Presea banged the door open, her axe dripping blood. "Zelos, get out of here."

"Aaaaaaw, it's a cute little girl!" one of the drunk women cooed.

"I'm plucking fastered," declared Zelos.

"Idiot." Presea reached up and pulled Zelos out of the bar by his hair. Now she was dragging TWO redheads.

The lucky girl.

Zelos, being "plucking fastered," took a few minutes to realize he was being dragged across the street by a seemingly young girl. "Hey…you ain't…"

"I'm not WHAT?" Presea glared down at him with only one eye, and that eye was glowing red. Very scary.

"You're not…" Zelos sobered quickly. "You're not ummmmm…womanly enough for me. Yeah, that's it."

"It's in the air."

"Huh?"

"I…didn't feel it before. But it's in the air we breathe. It fills our lungs, pervades our body."

"What are you…"

"I will call it…I will call it 'Randomobia."

"Randomobia?"

"It makes you go nuts. And…Zelos…"

"What, Presea?"

"I…I rear I have it."

Zelos eased his hair out of her grasp. "You…"

"It's…it's unmistakeable. I can feel my sanity clouding. It's fading…"

Zelos grasped her hand for a moment. "It's okay, Presea…"

Presea let go of Kratos's hair. Kratos fell to the ground with a loud thud. The pink-haired girl looked up at Zelos, her blue eyes wide. "Do you have…a monkey?"

"What…the…" Zelos backed away. "A monkey?"

"Yes. A monkey. I NEED a monkey. I need to have a monkey for world domination."

Zelos ran screaming in the opposite direction.

"Wait!" yelled Yuan, who had just poofed into view. "Don't you want a sammich?"

"I need a sammich!" declared Presea.

"Okay. How about the Burmese turkey sammich?"

"YES!" Presea laughed maniacally. Yuan joined in, giggling like a schoolgirl (A/N: No offense to schoolgirls. I'm one.)

"Here's your sammich!" Yuan handed her the sammich, er, sandwich and ran off, singing about sammiches.

"Now all I need is a crayon," sighed Presea.

"Hi ma'am. I'm selling monkeys. Would you like one?"

Presea looked at the monkeys. "Fetch me the evilest monkey you have, fool."

"Are you…quite sure you want the evil one?"

"Yes. I need it."

"I only thought you wanted a monkey."

She stared at the monkey seller. "No. Now fetch me the evil monkey."

The monkey seller reached into his bag labeled "Monkeys" and drew out the evilest monkey anyone had ever seen. He snarled and ripped at the monkey seller's hair. "I'll take him," said Presea.

"Alright. His name is…"


	4. Evil Monkeys and Crossdressing

"His name is…Fifi."

Fifi the monkey was wearing a frilly white dress with doily-patterns sewn on, and a bridal bouquet was in his hands. He even had matching shoes!

Presea had to shield herself from the evil. She turned around and saw Regal in the same dress, only Regal-sized. He had the bouquet and shoes, too. She screamed bloody murder and turned back around.

"Don't you think I'm pretty?!" he asked, clearly hurt.

"Yeah, sure…"

"Well, how about this?" Presea turned around again to see Regal now in a black strapless dress (very kinky, by the way) with WAY too much makeup on. "I think it's sexy."

"Give me the monkey, PLEASE," Presea pleaded.

"10,000 Gald—"

Presea grabbed Fifi and ran. "Goodbye, monkey fool!"

-A Genis Moment, Part 1-

"I'm God and You're Not"

Genis sighed. This was the life.

"Work harder."

"Sir, I'm trying."

"So try harder."

"But—"

"You are dismissed. I cannot stand your incompetence, or, as a matter of fact, your face."

Rodyle ran away crying. Genis sighed. "Next peasant."

"H-hello," said a timid child.

"Why are you here?"

"To…to ask for money."

"Fool! Rodyle, come back!"

The ugly, mother-and-camel-fucking bastard returned. "What is it, God?"

"Kill him."

The cat molester cut the child's head off.

"Now, Rodyle…continue."

-What Lloyd Was Doing-

Lloyd was wearing fake wings and dancing around. He was singing "Tomorrow" from that Broadway shit "Annie." Or…"Francesca." I don't remember. But anyways, he was. Annnnd…it was scary. Really scary.

And there was this guy watching him and he was all like, "Work it, boy!" Stupid bastard! So then Lloyd killed him.

-With the Evil Presea-

Presea picked Fifi up. "So. You are evil. How evil ARE you?"

Fifi screeched.

"That evil, huh?"

Fifi nodded.

Presea sighed. "Very well."

-What Kratos Was Doing-

Kratos was reading "Fluffy Bunnie Meets His In-Laws." He was also crying. It was so sad, that story. Fluffy Bunnie and his in-laws were killing each other! "Oh, Fluffy…why did you have to die?"

"Did someone say…FLUFFY BUNNIES?!!!!!"

**To be continued…**

Now I realize I forgot the disclaimer for the first 2 chapters, so…I don't own Tales of Symphonia and I never will. If I owned it, it would actually go something like THIS:

Lloyd: Oh hi my name is Lloyd hehehehehe.

Colette: That is a stupid name just like Fish. I will call you Joe.

Lloyd: It's not a stupid name TT

Kratos: Hey don't make fun of my son

All: OMG Lloyd is Kratos's son OO

Kratos: O shit

Mithos: Hahaha here I am aren't I pretty

Yuan: I'm prettier

THE END

So there ya go. Enjoy.


	5. The Unlikely Hero and His Sidekick

Disclaimer: Still don't own. Oh well.

"Text" – people talking

_Text _– the author speaking

Text – a random disembodied voice

"I didn't say fluffy bunnies. I said Fluffy."

"Oh. Well then, why don't you say Fluffy Bunny?"

"Who ARE you?"

The masked figure struck a pose. "I am the Fluffy Bunny Stealer, and I have come for your bunny!"

"I DON'T HAVE A STINKIN' BUNNY!!!" shrieked Colette, from across the street. "YOU BASTARD! I OUGHTA DROWN YOU IN HOT SAUCE AND EAT YOU RAW!!!! Actually…that's not a bad idea…" She grinned and began chasing the FBS (Fluffy Bunny Stealer) around. Now, I'm sure you think you know who it is, and I just have to say, it's not Mithos. Oh, no. Even though he stole a few bunnies, this guy was a master. His name brought such fear to the earth that nobody could say his name without screaming bloody murder afterward, except Yuan and the FBS himself.

This FBS's name was Botta.

"Who are you?!" demanded Kratos once again.

Colette ripped the mask off. "BOTTA!"

Everyone except Botta within a 5-mile radius screamed.

"D-don't say his name!" gasped Kratos, clutching at his chest. "I…I nearly died!"

Sheena ran by with a crate of fish. "MINE!"

Mithos was chasing her. "No, wait! I need my fish! They're my pets!" The fish had been dead for seven weeks and smelled of the space underneath Lloyd's bed, which honestly, stinks to high heaven and back again. I think even the rats died. I can't remember anymore.

Anyways, Lloyd followed with a broom. He tripped and accidentally hit himself with it. "Ow!" He got up and abruptly fell again, this time smacking himself in the ass with it. "Oh, shit!"

"Lloyd, don't swear!" scolded Kratos.

"Sorry Dad," responded Lloyd. He then hit himself again. "HOLY (deleted for expletives) SHIT!"

Kratos, Colette, Botta (A/N: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), Sheena, and Mithos stared, their eyes twitching. Genis, who was randomly standing there, began taking notes on the expletives. Then he remembered he was only supposed to show up in Genis Moments and ran away.

Here is where the unlikely hero shows up. Actually, he's very unlikely. You will never see this coming. You will die of shock. You will die of shock twice. I'm serious.

This (very) unlikely hero's name is…

Wait for it…

WAIT FOR IT…

WAIT FOR IT!!!...

GODDAMMIT, WAIT FOR IT!!!...

Okay. Now because you were soooooooooooooo patient, I will tell you the name of this hero.

This hero's name was Magnius, and his sidekick wearing puppy pajamas was Kvar. Their names also caused screaming. But they were the unlikely heroes nonetheless.

Kvar said, "Hey look! Everyone's gone mad."

Magnius, who is now British (because I said so), said, "Pip pip and all that! Tally ho!" (A/N: I'm sorry if I am offending British people. I am just exaggerating the totally awesome British expressions. I am not even sure if you USE these expressions, but I have seen the first one in a play and the other one many times. Once again, I am sorry, and I will change Magnius's British-ness if desired.)

"It's scary when you talk like that."

"Is it? Well then…let's have a good round of croquet!"

"Aw but I hate croquet…"

"How about cricket?"

_Now is not the time to be playing, boys! You must seek the Summon Spirit of Sanity in the Plains of Pointlessness!_

"And, dear author, what must we do once we reach this spirit?"

_You must form a pact with it and bring it back!_

"But…but we are not summoners!" protested Kvar, hugging his teddy bear.

_Do you think I CARE?!! You two are bastards! I hate your goddamn guts! Now go and get that freakin' Summon Spirit, make a freakin' pact, and GET IT OVER HERE! I hate you two, you always ask questions! Stop asking questions and do what you're told, and then go bring me a Dr. Pepper! You bastards! Go now before I disembowel you and spread your remains along the eastern shore!...er, I mean Meltokio!_

"Wow, she's scary," said Magnius.

_I'm not scary, you SOB! YOU'RE SCARY! YOU HAVE A STUPID VOICE AND A STUPID LIFE AND A STUPID OCCUPATION AND A STUPID HAIRSTYLE AND A STUPID WEAPON AND A STUPID HOBBY ON RAINY SATURDAYS AND A STUPID DOG AND A STUPID BOOKSHELF AND A STUPID BOSS AND A STUPID SIDEKICK AND A STUPID OUTFIT AND A STUPID KITCHEN AND A STUPID DONUT!_

"I have no donut," said Magnius.

_Shut the hell up and go do it. Oh. And talk to Abyssion. And don't you forget my Dr. Pepper! One more thing. The key to the mountain lies to your face!_

"Don't you mean, 'lies in something-or-other'?" asked Kvar.

_No, I mean, "lies to your face." Is there a problem?_

I don't think there's a problem.

_See, the disembodied voice doesn't think there's a problem. So go. Fetch the Summon Spirit of Sanity._

"May we know the little bugger's name, my good madam?" asked Magnius.

_Oh, his name? Answer, disembodied voice._

His name is Sam. Sam the Summon Spirit of Sanity.

_Wow. That's like…alliteration._

Yes, genius.

_Ooh, did you hear that, you stupid Desians? I'm a genius!_

I…was being sarcastic.

_Oh…_

And thus, after listening to this glorious conversation, the two half-elves went off to search for Sam, the Summon Spirit of Sanity.

**To be continued…**

Okay, the Kvar and Magnius thing just kinda popped into my head. It was going to be Regal who was the hero, but I decided all he's good for is cross-dressing. Oh yeah…one more thing…Colette is a bloodthirsty person. Just in case you couldn't tell. Mithos has an obsession with fish, and Sheena likes stealing things people are obsessed with. Now that that's settled, good day to you all, and if you're offended about the British thing, just tell me. I **will** change him. He can be…Burganese (something I just made up). And now, bye, my loyal readers! Sayonara!


	6. Neither Sylvarant Nor Tethe'alla

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN TALES OF SYMPHONIA!!!!!!

"Text" – people speaking

_Text_ – the author speaking

Text – a random disembodied voice

"You know Magnius, it occurs to me we have never heard of the…Plains of Pointlessness…before."

"That's true. It's not even on the Sylvarant map. Check the Tethe'alla one, will you?"

"Um…it was eaten by hungry rocks."

"Don't you mean by hungry animals?"

"No…"

Magnius turned to his puppy-dog-pajama-clad sidekick. "Well then, I guess you'll just have to go GET IT!"

"But it was eaten!" whined Kvar. "It's not my fault the rocks came alive."

Sheena ran by them. "Coming through!"

Mithos chased her, yelling, "Hey…HEY! Give me my fish!"

Kvar pulled Mithos aside. "I'm sorry to be the one to break it to you, but the fish are dead."

Mithos looked devastated. "What?"

"THE DAMN FISH ARE DEAD!" yelled Magnius. "KVAR! WE NEED TO GE TTO THE STUPID PLAINS! WE'VE BEEN WALKING FOR SEVERAL HOURS!"

"The plains? Oh…you're in the middle of them," said Mithos helpfully. "If you mean the Plains of Pointlessness, anyway. You've just passed the Dirt Pile of Denial, so if you take a right you'll end up at Meltokio, and if you take a left you'll be at Izoold."

Magnius and Kvar stared at Mithos. "Um…so…are we in Tethe'alla or Sylvarant?"

"Neither," said Mithos, shrugging. "It's not Derris-Kharlan, either…"

"It's nowhere!" called Sheena.

"Okay!" Kvar started walking and tripped over someone.

"How dare you trip over me?" demanded a calm-but-laced-with-maliciousness voice. "Have you no idea who I am?"

"Actually, I haven't the faintest clue," said Magnius, staring at the person.

"Well then, I would suggest you take heed of my warning. If you trip over me again, I shall destroy you, and THEN…" The person paused to laugh maniacally. "Then I can TAKE OVER THE WORLD! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

Obviously the person Kvar tripped over was Presea. It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out. Or maybe it does. I'm the author, so I wouldn't know…

_YOU IDIOTS!_

"Oh no!" said Magnius. "It's her again!"

_Aye, 'tis I, again with bad news. The Summon Spirit moved to the old Temple of Earth. Sorry about that._

"WHAT?!!" screamed both Magnius and Kvar. "He moved?!"

_Well, yeah. So now Sam is in the Temple of Earth. And…you will have to fight his sister first, Samantha the Summon Spirit of Little Woodland Creatures That Go "Cheep, Cheep!"_

"The Summon Spirit of Little Woodland Creatures That Go 'Cheep, Cheep'? What the hell kinda name is that?!"

_I don't know. All I know is that is the only name she will respond to._

"Okay then."

_And one more tidbit of bad news._

"Make it snappy my dear, tally ho!" declared Magnius.

_…You're a freak. Anyways, the last bit of bad news…is that Pronyma will be there as well._

"WHAT?!! WHY??!" the demanded.

_Because I said so, and I also promised my best friend there would be Pronyma-ness…and bashing…_

At this point, all the Pronyma haters rejoiced, for they knew that once I bashed, nobody could ever bash the same way again, or something like that. Or maybe they just rejoiced because I am, in fact, a master (mistress?) of bashing and I have committed a half hour of my time to typing this and they now know of my plot. Who knows?

_So…that's all. You still have to find the key though. Sucks to be you!_

With that, the authoress disappeared, and abruptly vowed there would be no more shameless self-insertion and so would allow the disembodied voice named Annabelle to relay the messages. However, Annabelle was male.

You two had better hurry to the Temple of Earth. It's in Tethe'alla.

"Okay," the two of them said.

"Ph33r me," added Kvar.

"Ph33r da t33f," said Magnius.

"O l00k !t !s teh super priest guy R3m!3l," said Kvar.

"Own3d!"

Goddamn, will you two stop that?!! I'm not even sure of what you said!

"I said, 'Oh look it is the super priest guy Remiel," Kvar said with a tone of arrogance.

I detest more sarcasm than respect, vermin. Without me you would not know where to go.

"Oh, do be quiet, dear chap," said Magnius. "I say, is that a lobster?"

No, it's just Alicia.

"I thought she was dead."

She is.

Creepy X-Files music played in the background. Magnius and Kvar ran away screaming, accompanied by a hungry, rabid rock and an unwanted visitor…

The "visitor" pounced on the story's heroes and attempted to suck the blood out of their necks.

"FORCYSTUS, YOU BASTARD!" yelled Kvar. "I always knew you were a blood-sucking vampire!"

"Wait a minute, don't vampires only bite virgin women?"

Creepy X-Files music played in the background again. Kvar and Magnius stared at Forcystus, who was now hopping around the floor, hissing. "Hsssssss…we needs the ring, hssssssssss…."

"I knew that Lord of the Rings obsession would come to no good."

After 4 hours of nothing but tedious walking, Kvar and Magnius arrived at the Temple of Earth with Forcystus on a leash. "Well, here goes nothing…"


	7. Blue Jays, Hammers and More Sammiches

DISCLAIMER: Nope. I don't own anything except the ideas (and even some of those are really my best friend's…). I don't own LotR, ToS or anything of the sort. Sorry to inconvenience you.

I should think you long-time readers would know by now. So…on with the show. I mean chapter.

"Are you sure it's 'nothing'?" asked Kvar. "I need to be absolutely sure…"

"Nothing, and I said nothing! SO HERE GOES NOTHING!" screamed Magnius.

"Jeez, sorry, it was just a question," muttered Kvar.

Forcystus hissed. "I neeeeeeeeeeds the ring."

"WILL YOU SHUT UP!!!!"

"No!"

"Sméagol," said Kvar calmly, "I'm afraid you will never get the ring like that."

"What?! But my precious!" wailed Forcystus.

"Who, me or the ring?"

"The ring, duh," said Forcystus.

"Ok then."

"Come, you pajama-wearing fool!" ordered Magnius angrily. "Off we go to fight Sam!"

"Do we have to FIGHT him?" whined Kvar. "I mean, he will be our savior and everything."

"Well, according to the Summon Spirit Rulebook, it just so happens that the Summon Spirits must first fight the pact-maker, and then the pact-maker must make a vow."

"So what are we going to vow?"

"Um…that we will forever rid the world of Zelos?"

"What's wrong with Zelos?"

"You know, he's a perv and all…and then he is a jerk and he called us ugly…"

"But we are ugly," said Kvar.

"Shut up."

"Well, we can't deny what's true."

"_Fermez la bouche_," said Magnius. "That's French for 'shut up.'"

"You can speak French?"

"No. I'm bloody British."

"Oh yeah."

"Is it time for tea?"

"What's up with tea? I mean come on. It's just a freakin' beverage. Why do you like tea so much? Or is it just that British people like tea because they can't afford Coca-Cola?"

"Silence, fool," said Magnius. "Now into the temple we go."

So the two companions entered the Temple of Earth. They abruptly ran into Pronyma. "Why hello," she purred. "How are you today?"

"What's it to you, harpy?" demanded Kvar.

"YOU'RE HURTFUL!" wailed Pronyma, who was then hit with a hammer.

"What the…"

Colette appeared from the shadows, her eyes glowing an eerie red. "Come out, come out, wherever you are," she sang in a possessed voice.

"Oh no," said Pronyma.

"There you are!" said Colette crazily. "I missssssssssssssssssed yooooooouuuuuuuuuu…"

"No! Get away from me! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" But it was too late. Hammers rained down from the heavens, and they weren't normal hammers either! Oh, no! They were WINGED HAMMERS OF THE APOCOLYPSE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! SHRIEK! OH NO! WAIL! GASP! OMG!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-A Genis Moment, Part 2-

"What Do You Mean, You've Come To Steal My Soul?"

Genis frowned. "Rodyle, what is this?"

"Eh…it appears to be an enchanted mirror."

"I…HAVE…COME…TO…STEAL…YOUR…SOUL…"

"Well, you can't be very good at it. The point of stealing is to not tell anyone about it," said Genis with an annoyed air.

"IT…MATTERS…NOT…I…WILL…STEAL…YOUR…SOUL…"

"No you won't! You may very well snatch my soul away, but you won't STEAL it. You mirrors are all the same. You can't tell the difference between stealing and snatching."

The mirror twitched, which is weird, because it's an inanimate object. "WHO…GIVES…A…SHIT…I…WILL…STEAL…YOUR…SOUL…"

"Oh, shut UP! INDIGNATION JUDGMENT!!!" (A/N: OMG, I got that spell today, and it rocks! Too bad it can't become a permanent Tech TT My life is pointless)

The mirror died. The next talking inanimate object was brought before Genis, Lord of All That is in Tethe'alla and/or Sylvarant. "I…HAVE…COME…FOR…"

"Oh, let me guess. My soul?"

"Well…yes," said the teapot sheepishly. "But if you already know, then…you know…I guess my life is pointless…"

"Yeah, basically it is," said Genis boredly. "Anyway, I suppose I'll have to kill you for your impotence. See ya." With that, Genis cast Cyclone and the teapot was destroyed.

"Sir, perhaps that was a bit…violent?"

"Well of course, Rodyle. Of course. Anyway, I suppose I'd better go check on the captured Crush Tortoises. They will soon become my army."

"Your…army, my lord?"

"Yep. I heard that cute pink-haired chick Presea is trying to take over the world. Well, I can't have that happen, so I will rule it with her."

"WITH her?"

"Yeah! She's to CUTE to kill," said Genis, and then went off to check on the Crush Tortoises.

-What Kratos Was Doing-

Kratos, who was basically doing something different every time we visit him, was now dressed in his "Judgment" title clothing and walking through Luin. "Hmmm…ya know, something's MISSING," he said to himself. "Wait a minute!" He pulled out a bottle of ketchup, walked over to the statue of Raine, and began to put the ketchup all over it, laughing maniacally. (A/N: Sorry, Rin (she knows who she is!), but I actually forgot what I was going to have Kratos do, so if you could remind me I will put that idea in a different chapter…) "There we go!" He threw the ketchup bottle away. The bottle hit a little child and the child abruptly died. Kratos went on, whistling merrily to himself.

-Back With Our "Heroes" And Pronyma-

Pronyma was twitching and bleeding on the floor. "Oh…it hurts…" she rasped. "Such…PAIN…"

Kvar heard a "cheep, cheep!" from somewhere. So he ignored the twitching Pronyma and went over to investigate. "Magnius! Over here!" he called.

"What is it?"

"Look."

A little baby blue jay sat on the floor, cheeping and fluttering its wings hither and thither. Both half-elves said, "Aaaaaaaaaaw."

BUT SUDDENLY IT LAUNCHED ITSELF UPWARD AND BEGAN TO PECK THEIR EYES OUT! THE TWO SCREAMED IN PAIN AND IT WAS ALL LIKE, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!" BUT THE BLUE JAY WAS UPON THEM! MAGNIUS MADE A BREAK FOR IT, AND THE BLUE JAY LEFT KVAR AND BEGAN TO FOCUS ON MAGNIUS ALONE!

Half an hour later, the blue jay left, leaving the bleeding people behind. "I'm blind," wailed Kvar, "I'm blind."

Someone bent down over them. "Hello."

It was Yuan.

Yuan looked over at Pronyma. "Hey, Pronyma."

Pronyma stood up. "What is it, Lord Yuan?"

"Um…do you want a sammich?"

"What?!"

"Ok!" Yuan smiled widely and handed her a sandwich. "Eat it alllllllllllll up!" he said.

Pronyma did as she was told. "Waitaminute…I'm lactose intolerant." There was a moment of silence and then Pronyma ran off.

"Probably off to tell her friends," said Yuan proudly. "Now then…would you like a sammich?" He thought for a minute, and then said, "_Lei amerebbe un sammich?_"

"What?" asked Kvar stupidly.

"I was speaking Italian." He paused, and then repeated, "_Parlavo l'italiano._"

Magnius was now conscious, and he looked up at Yuan. "_Essere tranquillo, bastardo._" ("Be quiet, bastard." Well, literally it's "To be calm, bastard" but, ya know, not everything can be literal.)

"You speak Italian?"

"Of course not, I'm bloody British," said Magnius.

"Oh," said Yuan. "Well, in any case, _arrivederci!_" He disappeared.

"That…was weird."

Magnius did not listen to his pajama-clad sidekick, for he had just found something wonderful.

**To be continued…**

Well, for those of you who are wondering, I can't actually speak Italian. I got it from a translation site. So that's why it's not as accurate as it could be. Well, bye…and by the way…GENIS AND KRATOS ROCK! (well, so does everyone else but they are the best) And now, I bid you farewell! More Pronyma bashing in the next chapter!!!!!


	8. The Triumphant Return of Zelos Wilder

Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own anything except the ideas.

"It's a kendama!" shrieked Magnius, picking it up.

"A kendama…" Kvar looked shocked. "What's that doing here?"

"Who knows, but it's cool!"

"You always say that. And then you get in trouble and then you cry. Just like the time the killer bee swarm started killing you and whatnot!"

"Oh, shut up!"

Pronyma rose to her feet. "I'm…not…done yet!" She growled at Magnius and Kvar. "You will DIE!"

"Oh, will they?!"

"Yes!"

"Silence!"

All three of the bleeding people (in case you forgot, the blue jay made the men bleed, and Pronyma was hurt by Colette) turned. "Who are you?!" they all asked at the same time.

"I am Samantha the Summon Spirit of Little Woodland Creatures That Go 'Cheep, Cheep!'"

Magnius and Kvar gasped. "W-we need to make a p-p-pact with your brother," stammered Magnius.

"Oh, do you? Well then, do you have the Key?"

"The Key?"

"Yes. The Key of the Abyss. You can find it if you can convince the Holy Barrel Man to join your cause."

"Holy Barrel Man?"

"Well, that's what he calls himself. Until today he was known as Zelos Wilder."

"Why do we need THAT jerk?"

"BECAUSE I SAID SO, GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!" yelled Samantha the SSoLWCTGCC. "Now go. Find the Holy Barrel Man."

"One question," said Kvar.

"Oh, alright, but only because I'm so nice."

"Um…why is he called the Holy Barrel Man?"

"Finally, an intelligent question! He is called the HBM because…well…he, uh…" She fidgeted nervously. "He…" Her voice became deathly quiet. "He is ruler of the barrels."

"And he has the Key of the Abyss?"

"Yep, he does."

"That's…strange."

"Well, he stole it." Samantha shrugged. "Oh, and from now on my name is Victoria."

"Okay…"

"Bye-bye!"

The two heroes were instantly teleported to Flanoir, where Zelos, a.k.a the HBM, was terrorizing the innocent bystanders. "GIVE ME YOUR FOOD, OR I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!!!!!"

Let us take a moment to view what Kratos was doing.

Kratos pulled out a bottle of hair gel. He dumped the whole thing on his head and started to shape his normally beautiful hair (A/N: Fangirl moment…) into the crude spines of Magnius's hairstyle.

He grabbed a staff that looked eerily like Magnius's and walked out the door. "Hello, fools, I am Magnius, back from the dead!" Surprisingly, or maybe not surprisingly because, after all, everyone was suffering the symptoms of Presea's disease Randomobia, all those Palmacosta people believed him.

Kratos took his time moseying on over to the item shop. He walked behind the counter ("Stay in front of the counter, you ass!") and stole the shop's entire stock of Palma Potions. Then he walked out of the shop, turned around and said one word…

"Eruption."

The whole place burst into flames. He stuffed the Palma Potions into a bag and went off, laughing maniacally. "Flame Lance!"

Regal showed up out of nowhere. "Why is Palmacosta burning?"

"No clue," responded Origin, who was accompanying him. "So…um…wanna go and…get some food? I'm…kinda hungry."

"Cross-dressers unite!" cried Regal. They went through a Sailor Moon-like transformation process and appeared again in pink frilly dresses. Origin giggled like a kindergartener and said in a girlish voice, "Let's go get some, like, low-carb ice cream!"

"You go girlfriend," said Regal in a valley girl voice.

Origin and Regal ran off, leaving a trail of sparkles behind them.

Back in Flanoir, Magnius had succeeded in calming Zelos down. "Alright. Holy Barrel Man, will you join our quest?"

"Why?" asked Zelos suspiciously.

"Because…I know this really hot girl…and she…wants to meet you?"

"Alright! Let's go!"

So the three journeyed back to the Temple of Earth after a run-in with Sheena, who stole Kvar's teddy bear and ran in pentagons around a random oak tree. They finally got the bear back and went to encounter Samantha, um, Victoria. When they got back, Victoria giggled. "I see you found him!"

"Yeah," said Kvar. "Sadly."

"Pleased to make your acquaintance," said Zelos, bowing to Victoria. "Even though I'd rather be hurting people with barrels."

"Oh, wow," said Victoria. "You're just like Undine said."

"Damn straight!" exclaimed Zelos. "Anyways, what do you need me for?"

"You have the Key of the Abyss, do you not?"

"Oh, that? Yeah. I found it in my closet."

"Really? I thought you stole it! What was it doing in your closet?"

"Just sitting there. It wasn't doing anything."

"Oh. Well, give it to me."

"Why?"

"Because I said so," said Victoria.

"Okay!"

Zelos handed the key over. Victoria laughed maniacally. "NoW i CaN fInAlLy TaKe OvEr ThE wOrLd!1!1" she yelled.

"You? Take over the world? Don't…make…me…laugh."

"Presea!" exclaimed Zelos. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm…here to kill her. She is evil. She has lied to you."

"Oh," said Zelos.

"And, as a result…Fifi and I can take over the world!"

Fifi screeched. He pounded his chest with his fists.

"Calm down, Fifi. The world will soon be ours," said Presea calmly. "It will."

Magnius twitched. "So, wait. We're going to help Klonoa here to stop Victoria so SHE can rule the world?"

"Yeah!" yelled Kvar.

"You fool! Kvar, goddamn you, you don't do that! Either way, the world will be destroyed!"

"Oh. Never mind then."

"It is too late," said Presea.

**To be continued…**

So, how's it looking so far? Kvar and Magnius have a long journey ahead of them. And, Rin, thanks for reminding me. You aren't my best friend for nothing! See ya next time, and people, read Sesshy is sexii's fic "Hakkai's Journal." It's hilarious. But only read it if you're a Saiyuki fan, otherwise you might not get it at all. Well, that's all! I hope you all like sammiches! .


	9. Magnius Uses the Kendama

Disclaimer: No, I do not own it, sadly. However, maybe if I bribe Namco with pizza…hmm…

Presea and Victoria glared at each other with such an evil aura of evil evilness that even Fifi was scared. It takes more than a bagel to scare Fifi!

Ahem, uh, YOU SAW NOTHING!!!

So, after the glaring was over, Magnius decided to ruin the tension by bringing out a stereo and lip-syncing to "The Truck Driving Song" by Weird Al Yankovic. Kvar joined him and soon they were getting way into the song, especially the part where they mentioned that they were waiting for their nails to dry (A/N: Weird Al rocks!!!!). So, while Victoria and Presea twitched in horror, Fifi brought them back to reality. He screeched and started ripping Victoria's hair out. People outside the temple would hear this:

"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH! SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!!!!!!"

"Oh, MY FLIPPIN' EYE! OH, SHIT! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! GET OFF ME!!!! BAD MONKEY!!!!! Shut the HELL UP, PRESEA!!!!!!!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! FIFI WILL DESTROY YOU AND THEN I CAN RULE THE FREAKIN' WORLD!!!!!!"

"That was fun, now let's sing 'Man I Feel Like a Woman.'"

"Okay."

"I am the Holy Barrel Man! Fear my barrels of DOOM! MUHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Noooooooooooooooooooo!"

"Hi my name is Bobby and I'm selling" sniff sniff "Fag Scout Cookies!"

"I have a kendama w00t."

"No, Magnius! Don't!"

"Tidal Wave!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The temple exploded as a huge tidal wave started up right underneath Magnius, and the soaked people were left sputtering on the ground, where Regal and Origin were staring at them. Magnius looked up and abruptly went blind, because this time they were wearing French maid outfits with cat ears and tails. Presea and Victoria got up again and started to fight.

"I call upon the furriness that is the rabbit! I call upon the wickedness that is the blue jay! I summon you! Rabbit-jay-thing!"

"What the hell? Devastation!"

The two girls locked weapons several times…….wait a minute, no they didn't! Victoria used the power of fluffy animals…and not all of them said "Cheep, cheep"…oh well…what do I care?

Will all of you STOP THIS!???

Victoria gasped. "No! Not you!"

Yes, it's me, and I'd just like to say that Magnius, you're a dumbass. Now that we've covered that, give the ugly dudes the key, Vicky. Otherwise, the world will be out of balance and NO ONE will be able to rule.

Victoria started to cry. "But it's not fair! I want the world to fall into peril so I can use it as a stress ball!"

Presea snorted. "You take over the world to rule it, to crush those stupid mortals beneath you."

"So I have to sit on them?"

"No, you ditz. You must annihilate them. Like this…" She pulled her axe out, and, pointing it at Kvar, screamed like a barbarian and started to slash at him wildly. "FOOL! YOU DARE DEFY ME, RULER OF THIS WORLD?!!!"

"I'm afraid you're both wrong!" cried Zelos, the Holy Barrel Man. "You see, you take over the world for the food and the barrels. Duh."

"NO DA!" yelled Magnius and started to do the Chicken Dance.

"I neeeeeeeeeeeeeds the precious!" shrieked Forcystus.

"Aaaah! Forcystus, you idiot! What are you doing?!!"

"Needs the precious!" was the only reply as the LOTR-crazed lunatic attached himself to Victoria and started chewing on her head.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeew, I just washed my hair!" she screamed. She started running around wildly, flinging forcystus this was and that, but he always managed to chew on her head again. Finally, she gave up and handed the key to Magnius. "You have bested me. But, I have bad news. My brother moved to college."

"COLLEGE?!!!" the tired hero yelled. "I have to go to a (deletedfor expletive) COLLEGE???!!!!!"

"Yes, and you must take the one you know as Kratos with you."

"Why?"

"I dunno."

Ahem.

"Uh, I mean, because he…will help you find out where Sam's dormitory is!"

"How does he know?"

"Oh, I don't know."

And so, the Holy Barrel Man and our heroes left to find Kratos, while Presea and Fifi scoured the remains of the temple for treasure.

**To be continued…**

I finally updated! Sorry bout that. So now you can read and weep in my hilarity! I will make chapter ten come faster! Bye, my readers!


	10. Spiffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Disclaimer: I still don't own it! Really I don't! But I wish I did, especially Kratos and Zelos and Yggdrasill and Origin (sigh)

When we last left our disgruntled heroes plus the Holy Barrel Man, they were trekking through the Fluffy…oh, sorry. They had just gotten the news that Sam, the Summon Spirit of Sanity, was at COLLEGE. They needed to find Kratos because for some reason, he knew where Sam's dormitory was. I must admit that seems strange.

At any rate, Kvar had made Magnius throw the kendama away. After he blew the temple up with that huge tidal wave, he had been threatening to kill them all with a nice big Cyclone. Forcystus was still on a leash, and still screeching about the "precious."

"Well, my friends, this is where Kratos Aurion was last seen," sighed Magnius. "Palmacosta."

"What did he do here?"

Magnius walked over to a building. "Judging by the burn marks, I'd say this is the work of a Flame Lance." He examined the shop. "This is an Explosion victim."

"So…fire spells? Kratos burned down Palmacosta?"

"Probably."

Zelos looked around. "Hey…that's a…" He ran over, not daring to believe it. "A BARREL! And unscathed by the fire!"

Yuan appeared in a cloud of yellow-but-also-kinda-green-oh-what-the-hell-am-I-saying-colored smoke. He loudly proclaimed, "SAMMICHES ARE IN TOWN!" and started breakdancing. A puppy appeared out of nowhere and started rapping along. Kvar stared at the puppy. It was so adorable! He couldn't believe the rapping puppy!

"Must…touch…PUPPY!" he screamed, and ran forward to hug it.

"No, Kvar, don't!" Magnius yelled. "It is evil!"

And then…THE PUPPY EXPLODED!

Yuan was, strangely, unhurt by the explosion. He just kept breakdancing. "Yo…you want a sammich?" he asked.

"I guess," said Zelos. He took the sammich and started to eat it. Then he choked.

"Stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll!" yelled Lloyd, who was just randomly there.

"Oh, shut up, ya blowhard!"

"No! My daddy told me to stop, drop and roll so now I'm telling YOU to stop, drop and roll and…and…" He took a shaky breath and started crying. "DADDY!"

Kratos appeared out of nowhere. "What?"

"They…they won't listen to my stop, drop and roll…" Lloyd kept crying.

Kratos patted his son on the head. "It's okay, Lloydie. I'll go kill them for you."

"No, wait! We need you!"

"…In what way?"

"Well, it seems that, uh, the Summon Spirit of Sanity—"

"Sam! Yeah, I remember him. What about him?"

"Well, the thing is, uh, he moved to college, and we were hoping you could help to find him."

"Eh, okay. Whatever. So, let's see, if I recall, Sam went to Meltokio University before getting drafted for the great war, and then he wanted to go back to his studies and he said he'd go to Sybak…no, wait…not Sybak…was it Sybak? Oh, I don't remember. No, it was…it was…he'd go to PALMACOSTA!"

There was a moment of silence. "You burnt down Palmacosta."

"WHO TOLD YOU!" Kratos yelled suddenly, his eyes glowing red.

"We figured it out."

Kratos's suddenly-hugified-head shrunk back down to normal size. "So, since Palmacosta suffered an…accident…hehe…we well need to go to Sybak. Unfortunately for you, we require Rheairds. And…I don't think you have Rheairds."

"Aw, of course they do!" said Yuan. "On account of they bought my sammich!" He continued breakdancing.

"Dammit!"

"Sorry, Kratos," said the Holy Barrel Man. "But anyways, we need to bring um, what was his name?"

"Sam?"  
"Yeah. We need to bring Sam here to…do something spiffy."

"Spiffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay," everyone chorused.

**To be continued…**

Finally, the latest chapter is here! Sorry for making you wait! But there are a few mysteries of this chapter I just randomly thought of! Like…what will happen to Lloydie? What happened to the barrel? Why did they chorus, "Spiffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay"? And last but not least, WHY IS EVERYONE CALLIMG HIM LLOYDIE! Well, we may yet find out in the next chapter…I guess…

So remember, kiddies, eat yer sammiches and crush some bugs! Bye-bye!


	11. In This Chapter Lloyd is Called Lloydie!

**OK, first of all, I'd like to say this. It's an important announcement about the chapter after this one, chapter 12. It will be completely dedicated to Genis. Sesshy is sexii can even verify this, for in reality we are in fact best friends and go to the same school and discuss ideas together. I came up with this idea either yesterday or today. So don't you worry, Genis fans. He will have his moment.**

On to the disclaimer.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except sammiches and all the things you'd never even think of, like the rapping puppy from the previous chapter. So there. Basically, anything professional that gets paid to exist, I don't own.

Everyone blinked at each other. Then they all took out their weapons and started hurting the crap out of everyone. Um, yeah. That's it.

Lloydie, in a pathetic attempt to stay away from the evil nasty scary people, attempted to summon Aska to get him the hell outta there but failed miserably.

In the midst of all this chaos, Regal and Origin walked by. Lloydie glanced over at them, and then did a double take, his eyes expanding to 1000 times their normal size.

This time they were wearing skimpy bikinis.

Lloydie whimpered in a desperate attempt to scream. He backed up into someone.

That was as far as he got. Someone stealthily kidnapped the red-clad boy where he stood!

After much hurting was done, Kratos turned around to see how much his son was learning. When he discovered Lloydie was missing…

"Magnius?"

"Yeah Kratos?"

"Where is my son?"

"What?"

"Lloydie. He's gone and disappeared."

"Disappeared! Lloyd?"

"Yes…and…he was my bestest friend, even though he was related to me, and you have no idea about how sad I am because I miss him so much already and—" He started to cry.

Magnius was never good with crying people, so he asked Zelos to comfort the crying Seraphim.

"Um, hey Kratos, I know this isn't much solace, but I think I saw the person who kidnapped him."

"Lloyd was KIDNAPPED!" This made Kratos cry harder.

"Yeah. But I know who did it! Because, ya see, I got a real good look at her face."

"Where's the damn bitch who stole my son away?"

"It was Colette."

There was a horrified silence. Then, "C-Colette?" faltered Kvar. "THE Colette? The one who rained the evil hammers of the apocalypse upon Pronyma-bitch back there at the temple?"

"Yeah, that Colette."

"Damn!"

"You guys, I'm not going to help you until you get my son back."

"What!"

"Well, it's just breaking my heart! I mean, if you had someone you loved," (which is doubtful,) he whispered, "would you be able to just up and leave them?"

"Yes," responded both Magnius and Kvar. "Because it would be impossible for anyone to love us back."

Kratos sighed. "I know. It is SO tough being damn sexy."

"Yep," agreed Zelos.

Magnius turned to Yuan. "Will you sell us a sammich in order to lend us the courage to fight?"

"Better 'n that, I'll join your flippin' posse!"

Magnius and Kvar high-fived.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I shall explain what I can do." Yuan cleared his throat. "I can make sammiches for you. They will heal your direst wounds."

"What about the minor ones?"

"Yeah, them too, but who cares about them?"

Kvar said, in a **_VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY_** awful Texas accent, "Well, I suppose the people who only get minor injuries would care."

Magnius was silently fuming.

"Hey Maggie, why are you fuming?"

"MAGGIE!" he roared. "And anyway I am fuming because I cannot beat this infernal video game."

"What, _Baten Kaitos_? C'mon I beat that game months ago." (I don't mean to insult Baten Kaitos. And I don't own it, either. This also applies literally.)

"Shut up, Kvar."

**To be continued…!**

Okay! Now then, what will happen to poor Lloydie since Colette has kidnapped him? Why on EARTH did Yuan choose to side with Magnius and Kvar? Will I ever get around to answering these lame-ass questions? Ah well, I guess you'll just have to stick around till chapter 13. Remember, Genis gets his time to shine next chapter! Bye-bye!


	12. Genis and Rodyle, Pt 1

OVER 50 REVIEWS! This is such a happy day for me! Thank you, all my readers! sniffle And guess what! After this fiction is over, I have plans for a sequel AND a little side fic. So, that's that! I hope you don't explode from excitement (no, I don't have that many fans -)! By the way, I own nothing.

It was a fine day wherever Genis was. He didn't remember. He'd been here for about two weeks and he still didn't actually know where he was. He thought that was kind of sad. But anyways, he had Rodyle, which actually wasn't much comfort at all, but Rodyle _was_ his servant.

Actually, it's a pretty funny story about how Rodyle became his servant, but we'll get to that later.

Genis looked around boredly. "Is there anything to destroy here?"

"No, it doesn't look like it."

Genis sighed. "Well, go find something."

Rodyle grumbled a grumbly noise.

"You said something?" asked Genis dangerously.

"No." Rodyle went off to find something.

"Well, hi there, Genis," said a voice behind him.

"Sheena…"

"That's right! And…guess what?"

"What is it, you inept fool?"

"Why don't you turn around and look?"

So the young sage turned and looked. Then, he gasped in the horrific horror of someone in horrific, um…unmovable HORROR! Oh, no! So, while Genis was gasping, Sheena got bored and threw a rock into his mouth. He started to roll around and choke. "Oh, it hurts!"

"Shut up, you brat!"

What did Sheena have? Well, she had stolen his kendama! That's right, Genis's precious kendama was stolen and was in the clutches of a maniac! Or something like that. I can't really remember. So, anyways, Genis was now choking on the rock and screaming and rolling around on the ground and dying when suddenly…

Yuan stepped on his stomach. HARD. The boy coughed up the rock and started crying because his stomach hurt. Yuan asked if he wanted a sammich.

Now, what is Yuan doing here? I said this chapter was about Genis! Well, somehow Yuan managed to bribe me enough to let him into the chapter. Anyways, he did a little dance and sang a song about sammiches. Then he left.

Genis was still crying. Then he saw Rodyle coming and turned around for a moment, and when he turned back around he was normal. Strange, eh? At any rate, Rodyle came holding a kettle. "This is all I could find, my lord."

"There's no TIME for that now, Rodyle! This Fujibayashi character has stolen my goddamn kendama! Throw that stupid kettle away!"

Sheena smirked and left, swinging the kendama and whistling the "Mr. Ed" theme song.

"SEE, RODYLE? YOU'VE LET HER GET AWAY!" yelled Genis.

"Well, YOU weren't doing anything about it!"

"How dare you defy me! Who is it who decided to take you in after finding you in the freakshow surrounded by those evil hamburgers and the Wonderful Guitar Players from the Planet Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz! WHO, I ASK!" (I play guitar. I am poking fun at myself.)

"You, sir," mumbled Rodyle.

Since I've mentioned it earlier, I might as well tell you exactly how it is that Rodyle became Genis's servant.

-Flashback-

Rodyle was in a cage. A big cage where there was a water bowl and a piece of bread. Rodyle cautiously nibbled at the bread to make sure it wasn't salted. Of course, it was, so he spat it out.

Salted bread! That is just disgusting! Dear lord! If someone made me eat salted bread I would just die! Holy SHIT, that is GROSS! Oh, god!

Anyways, this was the 8th time they'd given him salted bread. He was allergic to salt, so…yeah.

Rodyle sighed and decided to starve again today. However, he was not to be alone…

For that night, the evil hamburgers attacked! OMG! Yes, the hamburgers came and started to rip at the bars of the cage! But they got bored and left.

The next day at the freakshow, people payed lots of Gald to see Rodyle riding a pink pony named John. I think it was John, anyway. I can't exactly remember, but it began with a j. Maybe it was Jeremiah. Oh well. While Rodyle was riding the pink pony, he had to sing the national anthem of Botswana. He did this for 8 hours straight and finally got off the pony to get some sleep. Of course, this time the hamburgers attacked again! And this time, they didn't give up! Oh, no! They ripped at the bars and tore apart the wooden planks and started to advance upon the poor Rodyle.

Then, there was a sparkling flash of light, and a group of 7 people with guitars appeared randomly. "Weeee arrrre the Wonderfulllll Guitaaaaar Playerssss from the Plaaaaaanet Abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz!" the leader sang. He had purpley hair and huge, deformed eyes with really long eyelashes. He looked like a girl! But anyways, he blinked twice. "Will you come with us to our planet?"

"NO!"

"Then die," said he, with an air of girliness.

"Explosion!" rang out a young voice.

The hamburgers were burnt to a crisp, and the Wonderful Guitar Players burst into flames and died horribly.

"Who are you?" asked Rodyle.

"I am Genis Sage."

"H-hi."

"Would you like to accompany me?"

"Where are you going?"

"I don't know. But I could use a pack mule. Will you be my pack mule slash servant?"

"Um…I don't know…"

"Oh. Well, I guess I'll just leave you at the Salted Bread Freakshow, to live off that bread and to be attacked by the hamburgers nightly."

"Wait; let me come with you!"

"I thought so."

-End Flashback-

"Remember, Rodyle?"

"…Yes."

"Now let's go find that kendama."

So the two set off to look for the kendama.

**Well, guys, looks like I'll have to continue this later! I'll alternate between the two storylines, ok? So next chapter has Lloydie and co, and then chapter 14 will contain the continuing adventures of Genis, Rodyle and Sheena. Sorry I couldn't finish this up. I was depressed. Byebye!**


	13. They Get Stranger With Every Chapter

Disclaimer: Nope! Don't own! Also I forgot it last chapter, so yeah. I didn't own it then, either.

**Hey guys! I am sorry about this chapter not being longer, but…due to complications, it can't be. Chapters 14 and on will be longer though due to popular demand. And…guess what! Back in February, I had my birthday. I turned…13. Yes, that's right. I was 12. Now I'm 13. . Guess I have to update my bio.**

"So…according to this strange note which was obviously not written by Colette, Lloyd is locked in the tallest tower in Ozette?"

They all looked at the paper, which had "Colette Brunel" all over it, with a little doodle of chibi-Colette, a note in red ink that said "I Heart Lloyd Irving" and that was signed, "Not from Colette."

"I guess," said Kratos, shrugging.

"Wait a minute. Ozette doesn't have any towers."

Another paper flew by. Yuan grabbed it. "YES IT DOES," said the note. "…now," it finished.

"This is strange!" mused Yuan. "Why would some fiend knock down the towers in Ozette?"

"THERE WERE NEVER ANY TOWERS!" screamed Kvar and Magnius.

"The Two Towers, my preciousssss," hissed Forcystus.

"SHUT UP!"

"Hi my name is Bobby and I'm selling" sniff sniff "Fag Scout Cookies!"

The random boy, who had last appeared in chapter 9, pulled out a tissue and began to blow his nose very loudly. Everyone fell silent and looked on in a kind of transfixed horror. When Bobby finally stopped, Yuan looked down at him and asked in a New York gang accent…

"Wanna sammich, kid?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" wailed Bobby and ran away.

"That was strange," muttered Kvar.

"How true," said Magnius weakly. "Fag Scout cookies? Sounds like those Girl Scout Cookie things."

"Those are awesome!" declared Kratos.

"Yeah, I like Girl Scout Cookies…"

"Oh, wait a minute. We're looking for Lloyd."

"That's right! And…and…AND…"

"What is it, Yuan!"

Yuan got a funny look on his face. "I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" he shrieked and dashed into the nearest building. A few moments later, it blew up and Yuan screamed, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE BATHROOM IS FOR STAFF ONLY!"

Kratos sighed. "Yuan, try the next building."

Zelos grinned. "Keep this up and his kidneys will explode, and he'll die an awful death!"

"Ouch," said everyone else.

"No kidding! Anyway, let's look for Lloyd."

Magnius nodded his agreement. "He may be stupid but…"

Kratos's head got all huge-ified again. "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT MY SON!" he yelled. The yell was so loud it shattered everyone's bones within a 50-foot radius.

"…Ow," said Kvar calmly.

"Fear my barrels of DOOM!" yelled Zelos, who randomly began chasing an old lady with a golf cart.

"What's that?" everyone chorused. Then they realized its danger as Zelos ran over the lady with it.

"OH MY LORD NO! IT'S THE APOCALYPSE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!...or something like that," said a random guy.

"Yep," agreed two children playing hopscotch. Then a tree fell on them.

"Gasp!" gasped Yuan, who had come back from the bathroom. "A tree fell on those children!"

"NO, REALLY," said Kratos, his head still gigantic and the flames still crackling behind him.

"How do you think I feel? I broke every bone in my body!"

"NO YOU DIDN'T! I DID!" said Kratos proudly.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," said Kvar. "Who cares!"

"I DO," said Kratos. Then his head went back to being normal. "Maybe we should help the old lady."

While the golf cart was an extremely slow vehicle (we ALL know that), the old lady, who was actually about 70,000 years old, could run no faster than an amoeba. So of course Zelos was catching up.

"Stop, fiend!" rang a heavenly voice, and Pronyma appeared.

Everyone freaked out. "YOU HAD THAT HEAVENLY VOICE!" everyone screamed.

"Of course," said Pronyma, sniggering madly. "I am an opera singer."

"Somehow, it all makes sense now!" declared Yuan, who then said he had to use the bathroom again. He ran off whimpering.

"That silly Yuan," said everyone in a strange "Leave It To Beaver"-esque tone.

Yuan's voice rang out in the distance, "I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too!" and a child could be heard screaming.

"Perhaps we had better actually start looking now," said Kratos.

**Sorry again. But the next chapter continues the adventures of Genis and Rodyle! I can hear you cheering! Until next time! Bye!**


	14. Combo! Genis and Raine

Disclaimer: I don't own Tales of Symphonia, the Wizard of Oz, Tropicana or the Bronx. OK? OK.

**OK, guys! Sorry for the long wait! I had an extreme case of writer's block. But then, while I was listening to the first Full Metal Alchemist theme song, "Melissa," I got an idea! And that is what inspired me to include a certain puppy, look back at the other chapters if you really don't remember. So in this chapter, Genis and Rodyle are looking for Sheena, who stole poor Genis' kendama. They will meet a certain girl and her monkey on the way as well.**

"How long have we been walking, Rodyle?"

"About an hour, my lord," responded Rodyle.

"Hmph. Are you…tired, slave?"

"Yes…I mean no! Of course not! I could never, EVER…"

"Shut up!"

"Yes sir."

Genis sighed. "I am surrounded by idiots." The random idiots surrounding him burst into tears when they heard this and ran off screaming, "We'll get you for this someday, brat!"

"I'd like to see you try!" spat Genis after them. "Fools!"

Rodyle opened his mouth to say something, but Genis glared at him and he wisely shut his pie hole.

"There she is!" said a random Munchkin. Genis stepped on the Munchkin deliberately, growled, and ran over to the ninja, who was absentmindedly sitting on a log, twirling the kendama.

"Fujibayashi," said Genis, "give me back my kendama…now."

Sheena looked at him. "Huh? When'd you get here? And…I don't have a kenda…" She stopped twirling the weapon and fell silent for a moment. "Oh yeah…"

Genis crossed his arms and glared at her. "Give it to me."

"No," was her response. She calmly got up. Taking a look around, she suddenly turned white as a sheet and ran off in the other direction. "NOBODY SHOULD BE FORCED TO SEE THAT!" she yelled.

Genis looked over. His eye twitched. "I'm only 12. I shouldn't be seeing things like that," he said rather coldly.

Regal and Origin were coming up the road wearing frilly pink dresses with ribbons, sparkles, matching hair ties, and just enough makeup to make them look really frickin' ugly but without looking like clowns. (If anyone can draw this, it would be appreciated! Seriously!)

"So, like, Regal, do you Yahoo?"

"I don't know. Sometimes I use Google though."

"Google sucks."

"What are you talking about?" asked Genis as they passed him.

"We're talking about the best ways to get videos," said Regal and Origin.

"Videos of what?"

"Now THAT is none of your business," said Regal.

"I look for videos of fat guys eating corn dogs," said Origin.

Regal and Genis stared at him. "R-really?"

"Yes…what? Why are you staring?"

"BECAUSE YOU WATCH FAT GUYS EAT CORN DOGS!"

"Sometimes it's ice cream," sighed Origin dreamily.

Genis yelled, "Rodyle! Come! We must flee!"

"Yes, my lord," responded the Ugly One.

Genis and Rodyle took off in the direction Sheena had run just a few minutes ago. They found her drowning a chicken. "Um…Miss Fujibayashi, I would appreciate it if you would give me back my kendama."

"The kendama? Oh yeah, that thing. I sold it to some dude named Remiel for 5 ½ Gald."

"5 ½ GALD?" screamed Genis. "YOU SOLD MY KENDAMA FOR 5 ½ GALD?"

"Well, yeah. I needed it to buy this chicken." Sheena put the chicken's head in the water again. Little bubbles floated up from its beak. "It's dying," she whispered in a possessed voice.

Genis nodded. "I can see that."

Sheena looked up at him. "Anyway, that's what happened to the kendama. Remiel has it."

Genis sighed. "Fool," he said. "Rodyle!"

"Yes, my lord?"

"Find this Remiel for me."

Rodyle bowed. "Yes, sir!" He ran off.

"Just wondering, but why is he listening to everything you say?" asked Sheena.

"Oh, well it's a funny story! You see, he…" And so, Genis started to tell the story of Rodyle and the Wonderful Guitar Players.

After about 25 minutes, Rodyle came back dragging Remiel by his hair. "I found the bastard," he said.

"Good." Genis grabbed Remiel and said calmly, "What did you do with my kendama?"

"Your kendama? That was your kendama? Oh shit…"

"What do you mean, 'oh shit'?" asked Genis.

"Well, you see, I sold it…for 5,000 Gald…"

"That's a better price!" Genis suddenly cleared his throat. "Anyway, who did you sell it to?"

"Um…I think his name was…or was it a woman…no, no…oh…uh…I sold it to someone named Raine."

"Raine!" shrieked Genis. "No…"

(A/N: Have any of you noticed that Raine never showed up until now? Just something to point out, she has not shown up at all because I really, REALLY don't like her.)

"Why are you all like, anguished and crap?" asked Rodyle.

"Because…Raine is…my sister."

"Your sister!" exclaimed Remiel. "She was scary, too! I suppose it runs in the family," he added smartly.

"Shut up."

Remiel opened his mouth to say something, and Genis glared at him. Remiel closed his mouth. The half-elf boy dropped him.

"Um…Genis?" asked Sheena. "Raine doesn't have—"

"Nonsense, Sheena. Of course she has my kendama."

"But yours is—"

"In the clutches of my sister," finished Genis. "I know she has it."

"But she—"

"Silence!"

Sheena was quiet, but only for a moment. Then she picked up a random crate of fish. "Oh, MITHOS! I gots yer fishieeees!"

"GIVE ME MY FISH!" yelled Mithos, who appeared out of nowhere and started to attack Sheena viciously.

"Never!" Sheena said, triumphantly holding the crate.

The two of them ran off, one screaming, the other laughing hysterically.

Genis and Rodyle left them to their screaming and laughing. They set off on their quest after mortally wounding Remiel (YAY!).

On the way, they were stopped by Botta. Botta yelled, "Fear me, for I am the Fluffy Bunny Stealer and I have come for your bunny! I am…Botta!"

Genis and Rodyle screamed, for if you remember, whoever heard Botta's name (except Yuan) screamed. "Do not speak your name!" howled Genis.

"What, you mean…BOTTA!" said the Fluffy Bunny Stealer maniacally, for he had rapidly been discovering that people screamed.

"Yes," squeaked Genis before the mystical and horrific power of Botta's name took over.

Botta shrugged. "Okay." He left, whistling show tunes. A random person was heard screaming, "The devil contacts me through old show tunes! MUST BURN IT ALL! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Genis stopped dead in his tracks. "That was Raine, wasn't it," he said in a broken voice.

"Yes, milord," said Rodyle. "That was Raine."

"Oh, SHIT."

With Raine, who had just whipped out her "Mega Ultra Box of Matches From the Depths of Hell Ha Ha Ha Mortals Bow Down Before My Wrath Ummmm I Mean Don't Kill Puppies", she suddenly and miraculously heard her little brother swearing. She said in a very demented voice, "Dooooooon't sweeeeeeear, Genissssssssssssssssss…"

Colette, who was walking by with Lloyd on a leash (A/N: o.O), paused and looked at her oddly. Then she grinned and kept on walking, dragging the degraded Lloyd behind her.

Raine put the matches away and pulled out her staff. She twirled it expertly, hit an old man with it, and went on her way to go find her potty-mouthed little brother.

Along the way, she ran into a man named Joe. Joe was a Viking with a tail (you will NOT understand this; maybe only S.I.S will, and that's only maybe…I told her about it one time. This is an inside joke of sorts between my brother and I). Raine tossed him a nickel, and Joe screamed, "HOORAY!" and clung to Raine's left leg and refused to let go. So now Raine was a female half-elf with a hobo being dragged from her left leg, and she was NOT happy about it. Eventually she had to kick Joe into a lake. Rumors say you can still hear Joe's voice howling, "Thaaank you for the niiiiiickeeeeeeeel…"

Anyway, Raine saw a cat along the way. She picked it up. "It's so…so…" She paused. "Cute?" Sighing, she put it down. "What is cute?" She tried to remember. "Oh yeah. Cute is that Yuan guy, but I think he is gay," said Raine sadly. (A/N: I do not really think Yuan is gay, and I have no problem with gays. So please, PLEASE don't flame me for this comment.)

She suddenly smiled. "And Genis is cute! SPEAKING OF WHICH…" She cleared her throat. "He swore and must die." Flames popped up in the background and her eyes glowed red. "Grr," she said pathetically. The flames disappeared and the evil music stopped in the characteristic scratching noise. Raine sobbed, "I'm not evil! I'M NOT EVIL!" She stood. "Oh well!"

With Genis and Rodyle, they had stopped on their quest yet again. There was a very interesting puppy in their way. It was rapping! And it was rapping Eminem! Here is what he was rapping.

"_The soul's escaping, through this hole that it's gaping  
This world is mine for the taking  
Make me king, as we move toward a, new world order  
A normal life is borin', but superstardom's close to post mortar  
It only grows harder, only grows hotter  
He blows us all over these hoes is all on him  
Coast to coast shows, he's know as the globetrotter—"_

Genis kicked it and it exploded. "Now, Rodyle…tactical maneuver number 2!"

The two of them linked arms and started do-si-doing in a circle. They sang, "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!" There was a musical break since they didn't know those words. "…Because, because, because, because, beCAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE! Because of the wonderful things he does!" and they kept on skipping down the trail, continuing to sing.

It was rather scary.

Presea walked past them, did a double take, stared dementedly, and continued walking.

Halfway on their way to Altamira, they found a place called "The Bronx." Genis and Rodyle stared at the wooden and breaking sign. Rodyle poked it and it crumbled to dust. Genis jumped back. "W-what was that!" he shrieked, then regained his cold, calculating mood and took 2 steps forward to make up for his small jump. "Let us go."

Rodyle hesitated. "Are you sure, milord?"

"Yes. Now come."

Rodyle gulped and followed his master.

They emerged in the middle of a bustling city and started choking on the smog immediately. "What is this evil miasma!" asked Genis.

"I don't know," said Rodyle, and then promptly choked. "Perhaps it's…" He burst into another coughing fit.

Genis regained his composure and took a very short breath. "If you—" He gasped for air. "Take little—breaths like—this you'll—be fine!"

A man in black walked past them. "You new here?" he asked in a strange accent.

"Yes," gasped Rodyle. "We can't—breathe your—" He spluttered.

"Air," finished Genis, wheezing.

"Oh, air! Why didn't ya say so? There ain't no fresh air in the Bronx no more!"

"So—what is—it?"

"Smoke!" said the man triumphantly.

"Smoke?" coughed Rodyle incredulously.

"Yep! I was born an' bred here and I know the air is at LEAST half smog from them cars over there."

(A/N: Just so you know, I have nothing against New York or the Bronx. I also know the smog thing is NOT true. I just…hate big places. And when I first got to New York, the first thing I noticed was all the cars spitting out pollutants. I know, I know, there are cars in CT, where I live, but I could see black stuff coming out of a few tailpipes. I've only seen that here once. So if you live in New York, please take no offense; I don't live in the big city and don't know what it's like.)

"Cars? What are—cars?"

"WHAT ARE CARS! You don't know what cars are!" The man looked at Genis as if he had grown an extra head with four ears and a tentacle coming out of his eye.

"No."

However, before the man could explain what cars were, the two half-elves had dematerialized and were in Altamira. "That was…odd," said Genis.

"Yes."

"Let us never speak of it again."

"Yes, milord."

At that exact moment, a bunch of dancers randomly showed up singing a song about orange juice. "TROPICANA!" they yelled triumphantly at the end.

Genis and Rodyle found themselves in the middle of a circle of geeks.

So of course the geeks had to die.

"That…was fun," sighed Genis.

"Yes."

Raine popped up out of nowhere. "Found you!" both siblings yelled at the same time. "You were looking for me? I was looking for you! Hey! Stop copying me! I'm not copying, I'm saying things in unison, you twit! Shut up!"

"Okay, Genis, you go first."

"Okay. I was looking for you because Remiel sold you my kendama."

"Your ken—that wasn't yours. It belonged to someone named Mr. Bob."

"Then where's—"

"In your back pocket."

There was a moment of silence. He distinctly remembered now, his conversation with Sheena after he'd turned around, how she'd insisted Raine didn't have his kendama.

"Rodyle?"

"Yes, milord?"

"Never speak of this again, either."

"Yes, milord."

"So," said Raine, "now that we've figured out that…you must die, little brother."

Genis pulled his kendama out of his pocket. "Why?"

"You swore. You said 'shit.'"

"So did you!"

Raine blinked. "Oops…" She hit Genis over the head and then hit herself. "OoOoOoOoOoh…I really pack a punch, don't I?" she asked woozily.

"Yep," said Genis before his older sister fainted.

"So…milord?"

"Yes?"

"This adventure is over, correct?"

"Yes…but do not worry. We will make appearances in other chapters as well, my servant…UNSCHEDULED appearances…"

Unfortunately, the authoress, hard at work on her stupid little Dell, typing this stupid fic for you stupid people (nothing I mentioned is really stupid!), missed that. So who knows? Maybe they will make an appearance. The future can only tell.

By the way, this means there's a poll. Those of you who like the alternating thing between adventures, say you want to keep it. If you want Genis and Rodyle to have smaller parts and only pop up occasionally, then say so! Whichever choice wins…well, you know that part ;;

So, stay tuned for chapter 15! It will take a long time, because these chapters are twice as long as the other ones. The old ones averaged about 2 ½ pages. This one is about 6 ½. So if you don't mind the wait…goodbye! Until next chapter!


	15. Little Warlords and A Power Hungry Bitch

Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own anything. At all. Except the ideas, obviously. So…enjoy.

**Sorry again. Writer's block and no time (damn my extracurricular activities!) have caused little production in this chapter, but never fear! And, sorry Dracina, with two people voting for random appearances and one vote for alternating…we must go with random appearances. (Sesshy is sexii "voted" while we were at school, so…) I'm sad as well.**

Magnius and Kvar had looked high and low, but there was still no sign of Lloyd. So Kvar came up with a solution:

"One of us could PRETEND to be Lloyd!"

"You think that would WORK!" screamed Magnius. "Kratos would know his son anywhere!"

"Well, yeah, but dont'cha think Forcystus looks like Lloyd?"

"NO," said Magnius. "First, the hair. Second, the eyes. Third, the freakin' arm."

"Oh yeah."

Yuan sighed. "Wanna sammich?"

"Yes," said both of the Grand Cardinals.

"My preciousssss," hissed Forcystus.

"Oh, will you just shut the fuck up!" yelled Kvar.

"OK," said Forcystus meekly.

-Meanwhile-

"Lloydie, let's go for a walk."

"A-again?"

"Of course!" Colette grabbed Lloyd and hugged him.

Lloyd struggled free and managed to say, "Colette…get away from me!" Then he collapsed due to air loss.

Colette laughed. Then she grinned evilly. She wrote for abouit 5 minutes and taped the paper to Lloyd's forehead. She ran off, and the only thing you could hear for a seven-mile radius was: "BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

However, Magnius, Kvar, Yuan and Forcystus were 7 ½ miles away.

MORONS!

So anyway, 2 hours later Lloydie woke up and read the note:

"Sweep, slave."

Yes, it had taken her 5 minutes to write that. Pathetic.

So, Lloyd picked up the broom, sighed, and got to work. He was using the wrong end, though, and the sharp, bristly end was pointing up. He ended up wounding his face with the broom. He ran around screaming and bleeding until Colette came back, which was about 3 hours later. "Lloydie!" she gasped.

He started crying. "The broom, it hurt me!" he wailed.

"Oh, poor Lloydie!"

Kratos, who was randomly there, crashed in through the window. "Lloyd!"

"Daddy, the broom hurt me!"

"Again?" asked Kratos.

"Yeah…"

Kratos sighed. "Well. After we escape from the lions and the Winged Hammers of the Apocalypse, we can get you healed."

"Okay, Daddy."

"Now…run!" Kratos was gone in 5 seconds.

"Damn you!" yelled Colette.

Lloyd waved "bye-bye" to Colette. Then he ran away, screaming like a little girl on fire.

To this day, the old people (most of them are senile, anyway) say they can see the Winged Hammers of the Apocalypse buried in the dirt. And since Pronyma just HAPPENED to be passing by, she was nearly killed. Again. What I want to know it, why hasn't she just DIED yet?

So, after they had escaped from Colette Brunel's wrath, Yuan appeared out of nowhere. He screamed, "I FOUND LLOYD!" He looked around and spotted Lloyd's father. "KRATOS! I FOUND LLOYD!"

Kratos yelled, "LLOYD! THANK GOD YOU'RE ALRIGHT!"

Lloyd was left in confusion. "I thought YOU found me, Daddy."

"Nonsense!" said Kratos proudly. "I never do ANYTHING myself!"

"Ya killed Kvar."

"I did not…see?"

Magnius, Kvar and Forcystus were running in slow motion as dramatic music played in the background.

But where was Zelos, the Holy Barrel Man?

Well, I'd say it, but…oh, fine. Zelos was at the newly formed Palmacosta Zoo (which is weird, because Palmacosta was completely destroyed by a CERTAIN REDHEADED ANGEL COUGH COUGH KRATOS COUGH COUGH), feeding innocent children to the wyverns.

Presea was walking by and noticed Genis, picking the locks at a Crush Tortoise's cage. For a moment, sanity broke through, and she wondered, "Aren't we in Sylvarant, and don't Crush Tortoises live in Tethe'alla?" But then she looked at Fifi. "Fifi, we must see what is going on." She approached Genis. "What are you doing?"

Genis didn't bother looking up. "I'm releasing my evil army."

"With a test tube?"

"Hey, it picks locks just fine."

"But…a test tube…" She looked at the glass object. "You, half-elf, are a genius! Would you join me in my quest for world domination?"

"But of course!" said Genis. The lock broke, and out came 10 Crush Tortoises. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooo! My army…they have been…SEPARATED!" cried Genis dramatically. That little ditty that's all like "Dun-dun-dunnnnnnnnn" played in the background.

"Like totally," came a none-too-girlish voice…

"REGAL!" the two "warlords" screamed.

Regal giggled. "Yeah, like, who ELSE, like, would it, like, be?"

"Like, me! Totally!" spuealed Origin.

This time they were wearing green, low-cut shirts that said "Go Country." They were holding denim handbags and their jeans looked rather tight.

Zelos wandered over and looked down their shirts. "That is just WRONG!" he screamed, obviously in horror and disgust. "And I thought you two were just really ugly girls!"

"Thank you," said Origin modestly.

Zelos grew irritated and shoved barrels over the crossdressers. Then he turned to a little old lady selling automobile insurance and screamed, "YOU CAN **_TAKE_** THAT STUPID BOWL OF SOUP BACK!" before feeding her to the wyverns, too.

Presea gasped. "You must join our league of People Under the Age of 30 Who Are Attempting to Take Over the World, or PUAWAATOW, for short."

"Pwawatoe? Sounds fun! So, do we, like, cut off people's toes or something?"

"No. PUAWAATOW is designed to take over the world using intricate signals, armies of Crush Tortoises and an evil monkey that originally cost 10,000 Gald, but I stole him. Anyway, we must…" Fire lit up in the background, and Genis laughed maniacally. "We must take the world by force! And we must do it right!" The warlords calmed down. "Will you join?"

"Sounds fun, but…I have a date that night."

"Dammit!" both of them swore.

"Sorry," said Zelos, sighing.

Presea nodded. "I understand. Perhaps next time."

"Perhaps," agreed Zelos. "And now, I take my leave! Goodbye, little warlords! I wish you luck in your quest!"

After he had left, Presea asked Genis, "How much you wanna bet that date was with a guy?"

Genis smiled. "Betcha 50 Gald he's bi."

Presea nodded. "It's a fair bet. 50 says he is homosexual."

(I have nothing against homosexuals…it's just…how many of YOU have thought Zelos was bi more than once? several thousand people put their hands in the air Exactly.)

So Genis and Presea proceeded to pick all the remaining Crush Tortoise locks.

Now let's get back to the two "heroes" and Forcystus.

"Since Yuan has found my beloved son," said Kratos, ruffling Lloyd's hair, "I will join you in your quest to find Sam's dormitory."

"Just wondering…how do you know?"

"Oh. His sister, Samantha, told me."

"Samantha…" Magnius thought back to that epic battle. Well, it wasn't REALLY epic, but…once can lie once in a while, right?

For those of you who said "no," damn you.

For those of you who said "yes," have a cookie.

Kratos pulled out a map and, holding it upside-down, started to walk west. "This way," he declared triumphantly.

Then he turned around. "Or was north this way?" He was facing east.

"No…north is that way," said Yuan, pointing upwards. "Duh."

"Oh, of course!" exclaimed Kratos, slapping his head with his gauntlet-clad hand. "All right! Since Yuan, Lloyd and I can all fly, we'll see ya there!"

Lloyd, Yuan and Kratos sprouted their wings and, scattering a few feathers, started to fly directly upward. Three minutes later they fell and started spluttering. They'd gone up five miles and had nearly died due to the lack of oxygen up there. "Okay, forget that," Kratos choked.

"North is that-a-way, sonny!" cackled a strange old woman riding a bicycle.

"Who are you?" everybody asked dramatically, except Forcystus who was playing hopscotch. Which is weird because isn't he pretending to be Gollum?

Well…whatever. Anyway, while Forcystus was playing hopscotch, the others had a not-so-intelligent conversation on Tide™, socks, sammiches and brooms.

Lloyd's thoughts on brooms: "They are evil incarnate."

Kratos's thoughts on brooms: "I like brooms. What, they hurt my son! Damn them!"

Kvar's thoughts on brooms: "Brooms. Pshaw."

Magnius's thoughts on brooms: "Ewwwwww, icky brooms!"

Forcystus's thoughts on brooms: "Hopscotch! Yay!"

I could continue…but I don't think you'd want me to.

So, at that very moment, Zelos ran toward them, screaming, "The sorta valuable Zelos is coming your way!"

"That sounds familiar," muttered Lloyd. "I can't recall where I've heard it though…"

Kratos said, "Who knows?" rather mysteriously.

"Exactly," said Zelos, beaming. "Now let's go! Let's go let's go let's go!"

"SHUT UP!" screamed everyone else.

"Yes sirs," said Zelos meekly.

Kratos drew his sword, and by some miracle of nature, started to walk north. Yuan and the rest of the posse followed, Magnius playing the bassoon, Kvar on the drums and Forcystus on the flute. Yuan sang a song about Kratos, and this is how it went:

"Kraaaaaaaatoooooooooos the miiiightyyyyyyyyyyy! Kraaaaaaaaaaatooooooooooooos the braaaaaaaaaaaave! Goooooooooing toooooooo a colleeeeeeeeeeeege to geeeeeeet soooooooooomething niffftyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Um…from a Summooooooooooooon Spiriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit oooooooof…hey, do you know what Sam is the Summon Spirit of?"

"Sanity," chorused Magnius and Kvar.

"What's sanity?" asked Yuan.

"Something we don't have," said Kratos. "I think."

"Oh," said everyone.

Yuan went back to his song. "Oooooooooooh Kraaaaaaaaaatoooooooooos! What would the wooooooooooooorld do withooooooooooooooooout yoooooooooouuuuuuuu! We would diiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee paiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinfullyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Oooooooooh Kraaaaaaaaaaaaaatoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooos!" sang Yuan. Then he burst into an Italian song about sammiches again. The group stopped to listen.

"Aw man. I liked it better when he sang about me," said Kratos, looking slightly put out.

"Oh, well," said Magnius, sighing. "Nobody has ever sung about us."

"You poor people," said Kratos sadly. "At any rate, we must be vigilant! We must…what does 'vigilant' mean?"

"…Crunchy and good with cheese?" suggested Forcystus. "My precious," he added.

"That's what it sounds like," said Lloyd, shrugging. "Now, let's go!" he said, jumping into the air like he does whenever he uses that Wing Pack.

Kratos posed, cameras went off, and then the group started to head north again.

"So, wait. If this is north, then what's fribbledehoozot?" asked Lloyd uncertainly.

"Fribbledehoozot? Is that even a word?" (It's pronounced frib-bull-dee-WHO-zott.)

"It's somewhere between southeast and northeast," said Kvar smartly.

"So, that'd be east, right?"

"NO, it's fribbledehoozot!" yelled Yuan. "Don't you get it?" He hit Magnius over the head with one of Zelos' barrels.

"So should we walk fribbledehoozot?"

"No, we should walk north. But we can go fribbledehoozot afterward, okay dad?"

Kratos shrugged. "Whatever."

"Yay!" He and Yuan linked arms and started do-si-doing, singing, "We're going fribbledehoozot, fribbledehoozot, fribbledehoozot, oh yes!" and did an Irish-looking jig. It was really weird.

Kratos yelled, "That's my boy!" and patted Lloyd on the back.

Lloyd said, "Ow."

Magnius screamed, "IF WE'RE ALL DONE NOW, I'D LIKE TO GET BACK TO THE GODDAMN JOURNEY!"

"Why? Don't you like life like this? I mean, come on! Sammiches made at our beck and call! Dancing monkeys!" said Kvar, pointing at Lloyd. "We even have a crazed Barrel Lord!"

Zelos grinned proudly. "Yes I am!"

"You know, you have issues."

"I know," said Zelos. "And I am sorta important, too!"

"Yes, yes you are," said Kratos distractedly. "Hey, who's that?"

"I think it's Pronyma. Again," added Kvar.

"Oh, her. Wait, wasn't she killed by the Winged Hammers of the Apocalypse?"

"That's what I thought, too," said Magnius glumly.

Pronyma spotted them and came over there. "Well, hello, boys," she purred.

"Shut up," said Yuan. "I will NEVER make a sammich for you! NEVER!"

"Oh, we'll see about that!"

Allow me to explain. You see, this situation was caused by a pretty funny occurrence back before chapter 7, in which they met entered the Temple of…oh, never mind. Anyway, that marked the first appearance of Pronyma. But Pronyma had before been trying to harness the holy power of the sammiches. That is when Yuan found out that Pronyma was lactose intolerant, and that's why he gave her a cheese sammich. But this stuff happened before all that.

"Yuan! Yuan, where are you?" called Pronyma.

Yuan appeared in a puff of purple smoke. "You called?" he asked pleasantly.

"No," said Pronyma.

"Liar," said Yuan.

"Listen, Yuan…Lord Yuan," she amended, "would you make a sammich for me? I have heard they contain mystical power!"

"Well, yeah, they do. What's it to you?" He blinked and wrote it down, for it rhymed.

"Um, I am trying to obtain the Ultimate Power of the Golden Lawn Chair. Do you know if consuming enough sammiches would allow me to get this power?"

Yuan scoffed. "Well, if you kill enough innocent people, will they come back to life?"

"No, said Pronyma.

"Well, I actually have no idea. Sorry."

"You lie," hissed Pronyma. "I know you lie!"

"Nope," said Yuan cheerfully. "Honesty is the best policy…unless you break something."

Pronyma wrote these words of wisdom down. "Now then…will you make me sammiches?"

"I…I don't know, Pronyma," said Yuan carefully. "I mean…I've never used my sammiches for evil purposes before."

"Oh, come off it, Yuan! I'm not evil! You know that, don't you?" she asked, blinking in a feminine way at him.

"Stop trying to seduce me! It will not work, witch!" said Yuan angrily. "Because you're ugly," he finished.

Pronyma felt rather hurt. "But…Lord Yuan…"

"Silence," said Yuan forcefully. "You have heard my decree. Now go!"

"But…"

"Fine! One sammich. Which type would you like?"

"One without cheese or dairy…I'm lactose intolerant."

"Oh. I will keep that in mind."

"Thank you, Yuan."

Yuan prepared a turkey sammich and handed it to Pronyma. "Here…it's got no mayo."

"Okay," said Pronyma. "And…thank you, Lord Yuan."

Yuan shrugged. "Making sammiches is…a hobby of mine."

Pronyma bit into the sammich and said, "What a weird, I mean, delightful hobby."

"Weird!" screamed Yuan. "You don't mean it!"

"Of course not," said Pronyma nervously.

"You WERE using my sammich for an evil purpose! You must die!" screamed Yuan. Pronyma screamed and ran away.

And that was the end of that.

Yuan sighed. "Pronyma, I can't make sammiches for you! You are evil!"

"Weren't you evil at one point?" wondered Lloyd. He then abruptly forgot about that moment and said, "Never mind." (You probably have figured this out already, but while they were under the effects of Presea's strange disease, the victims remembered little, if not none, of their lives before they were infected. I merely included this note to make sure a certain someone named Rin remembers. Sometimes she's a little scatterbrained.)

Yuan scratched his head. "I was?"

"Pish-posh!" scoffed Magnius snootily. "Onward ho to victory!"

"You're freakin' British and you got 'tally ho' mixed up with 'onward'? That's pathetic."

"SHUT UP!" wailed Magnius.

"Okay, whatever," said Zelos airily.

"Vateva, vateva, vateva," said Forcystus, speaking like Dracula. (That means, "Whatever, whatever, whatever," in case you didn't know. Although I suppose you figured it out. You're not idiots, although you are drastically lowering your social status by even reading this - Ha ha! I made a funny!)

"What the hell?" was everyone's immediate response.

"If you do not tell me where the Ultimate Power of the Golden Lawn Chair is, I will be forced to kill you!"

"But I do not know!" insisted Yuan.

"Is this going to result in another drastic twist in the quest to force us to yet again become sidetracked?"

"Probably. Think of how the storyline of the game went. Seriously! It started as 'save the world.' Then it went to 'kill the Desians' to 'Kratos betrayed us oh nooooo' to 'save Colette' to 'save both worlds' to 'stop the Great Seed' to 'kill Mithos and destroy his Cruxis Crystal'! C'mon! And don't even get me started on the 'Kratos is Lloyd's father' thing!" Forcystus sighed exasperatedly.

"Whoa! That's, like, a lot."

"I know, precioussssssssssss," hissed Forcystus.

"Okay, whatever," said Zelos again.

"Vat—"

"DON'T YOU DARE!" screamed everyone else.

"Sorry…"

"Now…prepare to fight!"

**To be continued…**

Sorry it took so long, guys! I ran out of ideas…huge writer's block! But as you can see, I got over it. I never could've done it without my best friend, Rin. Okay, so I probably could've, but I want her to feel special. So, Rin, you'll let me borrow the manga, right? RIGHT?


	16. Oh My God, An Antagonist!

**OMG I have over 100 reviews! I am so happy! Thank you, my wonderful readers! Next goal: 200 reviews and/or 25 chapters! AND! I am going to actually begin working on some of my other fics too…It's just that this one is so expansive. Remember, I own nothing! Absolutely nothing, except the ideas of course!**

"So, before we fight, um, Yuan?"

"Yeah?"

"Basically, this completely pointless plot twist is all your fault?" Kvar gestured rudely.

"Uh, yeah."

"Well, then, screw you! You can fight her alone!"

"B-but…"

"Do not fear! I shall not abandon you!" Magnius yelled proudly.

"Um…thanks?"

"You are welcome!"

Pronyma had been staring coldly at them all this while, and she finally had to laugh maniacally to get their attention. "PUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"No, no, NO! You're going about it all wrong. It's either 'bwahahahahahahaha' or 'mwahahahahahahaha.' You can't use that one. It's retarded."

Yuan sighed. "Like you aren't, Magnius?"

There was complete and utter silence before everyone burst into laughter, except for Magnius of course. He didn't really appreciate people calling him a retard.

Magnius burst into tears. "WHYYYYYYYYY DO YOU HATE ME SO?" he wailed.

"I don't know. Maybe it's because your hair is so stupid," said Pronyma, shrugging. "Or maybe it's your voice."

Magnius sobbed harder. "I have a beautiful voice."

"No you don't!"

Everyone froze.

There, coming toward them, was the one person they never wanted to see again.

Coming toward them was the one person who they KNEW could defeat them.

Coming toward them was…Botta.

"Botta!" exclaimed Yuan.

Everyone else screamed in agony.

"DON'T SAY HIS NAME!" they all screamed. Zelos was rolling around on the floor, clutching his ears. He was whimpering something about how his kitten was falling into a fluffy marshmallow cloud that was floating in the sky and sliding down the rainbow bridge to the cotton candy ground, mewing happily all the way.

Everyone regarded Zelos critically. There was another moment of silence.

Then Yuan said, "What the hell was that?"

Zelos stood, bright red, and threw barrels at them all.

In the confusion, Pronyma laughed and ran away, carrying a sammich.

Yuan yelled, "NO!" and chased after her, and dramatic music started to play from nowhere. Yuan crashed through several walls made of solid rock and steel, squished some homeless guy's stack of stolen pancakes, trampled his own mother, and stopped to pat a bunny! Then his chase resumed, but Pronyma had escaped.

Yuan dropped to his knees and sad piano music replaced the dramatic music. He stared into the distance in disbelief. He whispered in a tortured voice, "That bunny…he was so fluffy…I love that bunny…UM! I mean…the…sammich…"

Kvar patted him on the shoulder. "Yeah. Whatever, dude."

"You don't know what it's like to lose your beloved sammich!"

"Of course. I'm not in love with a sammich."

"Oh, it's only a Platonic relationship."

Having disclosed this rather disturbing information, Yuan sat staring into the distance again. Finally, he said, "That's it!"

"What's it?" asked Magnius frightfully.

"I'm gonna hurt her feelings."

Everyone gasped.

A Genis (and Presea) Moment

"Genis. Do you have the fish that smells of your mother's old socks?"

"Yes…do YOU have the all-new special edition badger cage now featuring a water bottle and actual edible stamp?"

"…No…not the stamp anyway…"

"Aha! Those fiends are trying to foil our plot!" The warlords laughed maniacally while Rodyle was arguing with himself on whether to tell them that he had been the one who had eaten the stamp or not.

Looking at them, he decided he didn't want to.

"Rodyle! Fetch me another of these badger cages. With the stamp. Now."

"Yes, ma'am," he said, bowing to Presea.

"And get me a latte," said Genis.

"You're too young for a freakin' latte," said Raine.

"Oh, but Raine, please?"

"No."

"How about if he gets you one too?"

"Well, in that case, it's fine. I hate you."

"But…" Genis' eyes got really, really huge and sparkly. "I…I don't hate you, big sister Raine…" He started to sob. "Why don't you love me?" he wailed.

"Crap," muttered Raine. "RODYLE! GET THE LATTES AND THE GODDAMN CAGE OR I'LL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!" she screamed.

"Yes ma'am!" he said again hurriedly and ran off.

"Fool," said all three of the remaining people at the same time.

A Colette Moment

"Drat. My plan failed to kidnap my beloved Lloyd." She started to pace. "I will never get him at this rate."

"My dear, my dear, do you need…help…in the situation?" said a rather cold voice from nowhere.

"W-who are you?"

And out from the darkness stepped Kratos.

Or was it Kratos? He didn't look right. Something about his body figure…

"Oh my God, Kratos, you're a girl!" shrieked Colette. "This is just so many kinds of wrong!"

The female Kratos rolled her eyes. "No, you stupid girl, we are the ones who made you all insane."

Colette blinked. "Uh?"

"Oh never mind you stupid girl. The point is, if you need assistance in capturing this Lloyd, I will help you."

"What's the catch?"

"Uh…I steal your soul and live on in your body forever?"

"Sure, why not?" Colette's eyes glowed red. "Now then, female Kratos, I have just come up with a plan…it goes like this." She started bouncing up and down. "You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and you shake it all about! You do the Hokey-Pokey and you turn yourself around, and that's what it's all about!"

Kratos' female double was left twitching in the dirt.

"So let's get to work!"

Several hours of the Hokey-Pokey later, Kratos' double was thoroughly exhausted. "What is WRONG with you! That's no plan! That's a dumbass dance!"

Colette's eyes glowed red. "I call upon the Winged Hammers of the Apocalypse!" she yelled.

Rumor has it that the village was destroyed and the birds flying on the winged wings of death flocked there for centuries, but this all happened last week, so God knows that can't be true. Or maybe it is…who knows?

At any rate, they devised a plan for Lloyd involving a strip of bacon, a television set and Dora the Explorer.

How sad.

Back with the Gang

"So, here we are at Pronyma's house." Yuan stood in front of an old tin shack rotting in the wilderness.

"Um…if you knew all along where she lived, why didn't you just take the sammich—"

"Now then for my plan!"

Magnius stared. "What an idiot he is. Pip pip."

Kvar's eye twitched. "I keep forgetting you're British."

_That's all your fault, you moron!_

"Who said that!" exclaimed Yuan.

_'Tis I, the disembodied voice._

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" wailed Zelos. "I thought I had gotten rid of you for good after I killed you!"

_You never killed me, you retarded bisexual._

"Shut up!"

_Make me, girly man._

Yuan yelled, "Will you all be quiet! Time to execute the plan!" He pulled something out of his various pockets hidden in that spiffy cape.

"Um," said everybody.

Yuan rang the doorbell and dropped the something on her front porch. "Run!"

Everybody ran.

Pronyma opened the door and screamed.

There was a pile of flaming dog shit on her porch.

**Sorry it took so long. I had no ideas, and I've recently been not playing TOS. I guarantee that I will finish this and the sequel and the side fic though. I am also going to be starting a new fic soon (a Fullmetal Alchemist one at that), so my time will be divided between the two of them. Sorry this one is shorter. I have high school stress (I'm just starting this school year, I got out on the 21st). So if you could please review and lift my spirits it would be greatly appreciated. Hell, you can even flame me! I don't care. Flames are welcome, remember. See ya! Toni out!**


	17. The Brilliant Plan! Everyone is Doomed!

**Well, I'm back. Again. I bet all you fans were waiting on the edge of your seats for this day. As my best friend Rin-chan can tell you, I was on an idea death thingamabob. But now I'm back. In action. With fruit. And I don't own this. TOS, I mean. Duh.**

Yuan giggled from the bush that everyone was randomly hiding in, which makes me wonder how they all fit. "Isn't it awesome?"

Pronyma was still screaming in pain(?). "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Magnius whispered, in the authoress' sad attempt to remind her poor readers that he is British, "What the bloody hell?"

Kvar, in the authoress' sad attempt to remind her poor readers that he is wearing puppy dog pajamas, said, "I think I need new pajamas."

Everyone stared at him oddly. "What brought that up?" asked Lloyd.

"No idea."

Pronyma was, by some divine intervention, still screaming…and still alive. Her face was an awful shade of burgundy, but she was alive. (A/N: what color is burgundy, anyway?)

Kratos sighed. "So…what are we going to do now? Unless this divine intervention that has been brought down by angels who are obviously not Yuan, Lloyd, Zelos or I is eliminated, Pronyma will continue to live."

"Yep," said everybody else.

"So we must kill every other angel that's here."

"Well, there's Colette," said Lloyd, pointing fribbledehoozot to where Colette was standing for no apparent reason. "Hey look, Dad's there too. No wait."

Kratos harrumphed. "I'm RIGHT HERE, Lloyd."

"I know. That's why I said 'no wait.' Also, doesn't that kind of look like a girl?"

"Kind of. Hard to tell from here. That leather armor is kinda tight, though," said Kratos. Ah yes, quality time with Dad, trying to figure out if that person has breasts or not.

"While you two PERVERTS are enjoying the view, I would like to point out that Pronyma is inside," said Zelos.

"Is she?" asked Yuan. "Now all we have to deal with is…well, Bo—"

"NO!" yelled everyone else, causing their location to be given away, which caused the female version of Kratos and Colette to rip the bush up.

"Hiya Lloyd," said Colette shyly. "This is my new subordinate, Rotaks. We are going to capture you!"

Rotaks rolled her eyes and murmured something under her breath.

"What was that?" asked Colette happily.

"Nothing," hissed Rotaks. (A/N: By the way, it's pronounced "ROW-talks.")

"Well, would you please engage the plan?"

"Certainly, my…mistress," said Rotaks through gritted teeth. Obviously she didn't like Colette very much. _And then, I shall take her body and live forever! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_ she thought.

_Yo lady, I'm the ONLY one allowed to have italic print, foo'._

Anyway, after the interruption from the crazy disembodied voice, Rotaks whistled shrilly, and everyone with good hearing (ie: all of them) cringed.

There was a loud THUD…THUD…THUD noise as is typical of evil plans. Then a huge, 5,000,000-foot tall Dora the Explorer wielding a 3,000,000-foot tall strip of bacon showed up out of nowhere! Huh? What's that? It wasn't 5,000,000 feet tall? It was only 1 foot tall? And there was no bacon? What the hell! I spent YEARS researching this, don't you DARE tell me I'm wrong!

Okay, so…it was only a foot tall and there was no bacon present.

Yuan stared at it. "Um…what the heck is that supposed to do?"

Kratos was looking at Rotaks closely. "You know, you look familiar. If you get rid of those melons on your chest, you might be as hot as me," he added for no reason at all, for it was put in for comedic relief.

Rotaks slapped him. HARD.

Zelos flinched. "I felt that!"

Magnius blinked. "And how in the bloody hell would you be able to, you tosser?"

Everyone gasped.

Botta looked at the Dora thingy and ran away screaming. He paused halfway, stole a fluffy bunny (he IS the FBS after all), and continued on his merry way.

"Well what was the point of having him even show up then?" asked Kvar irritably.

_Well, duh. To distract you while Rotaks puts her plan in action._

Everyone stared at the sky for a moment in disbelief, and then turned attention back to Rotaks, who was indeed chanting something that sounded malevolent.

"I know where I remember her from now!" said Kratos.

"Oh…she's that bitch who blew up our treehouse when we were little," said Yuan, sniffling. "Wasn't her name—"

"SILENCE!" yelled Rotaks. "Now is the time you die, Kratos!"

Kratos turned to Lloyd. "Important lesson in being a hero number 17: When someone says that, you often don't die."

30 seconds later Kratos was floating there, translucent and pissed off about it. "Anyone got any Life Bottles?"

Colette tossed one to him. Everyone, especially Rotaks, stared at her oddly.

"YES! I AM ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE AGAIN!" screamed Kratos.

Lloyd said, "Yay, Daddy!"

Rotaks glared. She put her hands in a praying position. "That is IT!" From her hands came a mystical light…

Pronyma slammed her door open. "The Ultimate Power of the Golden Lawn Chair!" she screamed.

…and a piece of bacon appeared in her hands. This was, in fact, the very piece of bacon involved in the plan.

"Ooooh, bacon," said Zelos, who had a known weakness for bacon.

The 1-foot Dora ate the bacon. NOW is it 5,000,000 feet tall? Oh, good.

So the Dora the Explorer grew at an extremely rapid rate to 5 MILLION FEET TALL! It boomed in an extremely deep voice, "EL AMOOOOOOOOOOR!"

Kratos' eye twitched. "'The love'? WHAT LOVE?"

Lloyd said, "Maybe it's just a catchphrase. You know, like…'Blame your fate'!" He posed just like Kratos.

"Good job, son."

"Say, uh…how can you speak Spanish?" asked Magnius.

"Oh, well, you see…um…IT'S NOT MY FAULT!"

Rotaks raised her still-glowing right hand and yelled, "Destroy Kratos!"

Colette, in the confusion, kidnapped Lloyd…again.

Lloyd screamed, "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

"LLOYD!" shrieked Kratos. He tried to get to his son, but to no avail, for the giant Dora said, "EL AMOOOOOOOOR," and knocked him out of the way.

Yuan saw he had no choice. Whipping out his huge-ass weapon, he spun it over his head several times in a rather sexy fashion. "THUNDER EXPLOSION!"

Yes, my friends, THIS…is a REAL fight scene. Not like that joke of a fight between Samantha and Presea.

Magnius noticed the television, forgotten in the plan. Then, uncharacteristic for him, he got a brilliant idea! He is, after all, the hero. "Zelos! Um, I mean, Holy Barrel Man!"

"Wha?"

"Well, I have a plan, but I need you to help! Do you see that television?"

"Um, yeah."

"Okay! Could you fly over there and get it?"

"Using what? I can't fly!"

"Aren't you an ANGEL?"

"Oh yeah." So the Holy Barrel Man retrieved the television.

Kvar walked over to them. "Whatcha doin'?"

"Kvar! Do you conveniently still know Spark Wave?"

"Yep!"

Well, ain't that a kick in the head?

"Okay. See that weird tail sticking out of it? I want you to use Spark Wave on it."

"Why?"

"Just do it!"

Yuan had launched into a killer combo. The little combo sign read, "1,529,512,888,923,740 hits!"

Kratos was casting Judgment.

Rotaks was watching, with sorrow in her eyes, oddly enough.

Magnius turned back to the television, which now had enough power for 2 mere minutes of broadcast.

Kratos finished casting, and several rays of light shot down from the heavens. Kratos wondered aloud, "Who is DOING that?"

Magnius flipped channels until he came to a particular one. In this, a badly-drawn monkey with red boots was asking an empty spot next to him, "What do we do now?"

Kvar said, "I love this show!"

Forcystus was eating a popsicle. "I like popsicles. Woot!"

Magnius handed the television to Zelos. "Throw it at the monstrosity!"

"What, you mean Yuan?"

"NO! The giant, 5 million foot thing!"

So Zelos aimed, and, with the television having but 10 seconds left of power, threw.

The effect was instantaneous. Yuan's combo sign, which read, "An infinite amount of hits!" blinked for a moment and disappeared. Yuan was rewarded with 7,000 GRADE.

You see, Dora had been sucked back into the television realm from whence she came.

Rotaks was left standing there in shocked silence.

Magnius said, "Bloody hell! That was intense."

Kratos walked over to Rotaks. "So. Where has Colette taken my son?"

"I don't know…"

"DON'T LIE TO ME, BITCH!" roared Kratos with a rare moment of sanity.

Rotaks looked at him with a hurt expression. She ran off.

Yuan looked at his huge-ass weapon. "What are these things called, anyway?" he asked Magnius.

"Like I'd know."

"I think they're…swallows…or sparrows…or something," said Zelos.

Kratos sighed and joined the rest of the group. "So let's see. We know that Colette has, yet again, captured my beloved son."

"And that she has successfully mastered the Ultimate Power of the Golden Lawn Chair," said Yuan, a worried look on his face.

"What is that, exactly?" asked Kvar.

"Well, the Ultimate…the UPGLC is a special type of magical energy. It's remarkably similar to mana in that it allows the user to cast various devastating spells. The difference is that it's much more powerful."

"So, what can we do to stop it?"

"That…nobody knows. I have a few suspicions, but we'll have to wait until she comes back, because God knows that all the villains come back after we open a can of whoop-ass on them to get revenge."

"It seems like she wanted revenge already," said Forcystus. Everyone stared at him. He looked at them all and then remembered his insanity and added, "The Precioussss."

Everyone was satisfied.

"So, how are we going to find Colette, and more importantly, Lloyd?" asked Kratos worriedly.

"Well, we could ask several random townspeople that obviously know nothing about what we're saying, we could guess, which wouldn't work considering we're all idiots, or we could follow that glaringly conspicuous trail of pink angel feathers that probably belong to Colette."

Everyone thought about it.

All of a sudden, a squirrel ran out in front of them. It chattered for a moment.

Kratos stared at it. He took three steps toward it. Picking up the squirrel, he said, "It's sooooooooooo cute!" He blinked twice. Then he ate the squirrel.

"EWWWWWWWWWWW!" shrieked Yuan in a transvestite-ish way.

Pronyma stared at him for a moment. Nobody knew she was still there.

Zelos hit her.

She cried.

All of a sudden, Regal popped up in front of Kvar. Turning to Magnius, he screamed, "HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOO SEXY!"


	18. Fun at the Zoo with Badgers and Things

**Well, here I am again. Aren't you all so happy I'm updating again so fast? And so, without further ado, the fic!**

"No, you IDIOT, follow the feathers!"

"I am!" responded Magnius. "Dammit, they're hard to see…"

"How can they be? They're blue."

Magnius stopped. "WHAT? COLETTE'S FEATHERS ARE PINK!"

"Whoops," said Kvar.

"Um, Kratos, is there any particular reason you're scattering feathers everywhere?"

"Well…" Kratos burst into tears. "No…" He looked at Magnius. "I was just following the trail of orange feathers…"

"ORANGE?" screamed Magnius.

Regal pointed. There was a trail of orange feathers, all right.

Allow me to explain what happened. After Regal arrived, everyone ran away screaming. This, of course, caused them to lose the trail of Colette's angel feathers. Regal showed up again, Sheena ran by and glued his mouth shut, and the group, having apparently become colorblind, started to follow Kratos' trail of feathers.

"So, who has orange feathers?"

"I do!" said the Holy Barrel Man proudly.

"Then what are YOU following?"

"A trail of rainbow feathers."

Magnius, being the "hero," figured it out first. "MITHOS!"

Yuan looked around. "Where? I don't see him."

Rodyle ran by carrying a badger, a water bottle and a stamp in a cage.

"Hey, you! Ugly!" called Yuan, flipping his hair. "Where are you going?"

"Well, my master and my mistress need this for their plans of word domination."

"Who, Mithos and Martel?"

"Certainly not!"

"Never mind then." Magnius sighed. "Let's see…my watch tells me that 1. It's only 10:30 AM, 2. We've lost Lloyd and 3. It's time for another random appearance of someone who will probably be totally insignificant to the storyline as a whole."

"Whoa," chorused everyone else.

And then, like magic, Shadow appeared in a cloud of black smoke. "Hi," he rasped.

"Whoa! Shadow! What the hell are you doing here?" asked Kratos. "I haven't seen you in, well…4,000 years!"

"Yeah…" Shadow clapped his hands(?) together. "Aaaaaanyway, guess what I found out! I heard that Colette has gone crazy, Lloyd hates brooms and that you're a transvestite!"

"DAMMIT, THAT'S NOT ME!" yelled Kratos.

Shadow slapped him. "Get ahold of yerself, man!"

"Yeah…you're right, Shadow. Gotta get a grip." Kratos shook his head. "Ugh."

"So, what's goin' on?" asked Shadow.

"Aww, not much. We're off Chosen Hunting."

"Oh, man! I want to go Chosen Hunting! Then it would be just like old days, you know, with Efreet…"

"Yeah…I miss those days."

Zelos turned white. "Y-yeah! Chosen…Hunting…ahahaha…"

Shadow shrugged. "What did you think happened to all of Sylvarant's failed Chosen?"

There was silence. Magnius, to break the silence, said, "Well, I'm sure it was fun, but…now we have to first of all figure out where Colette went, find and take back Lloyd, defeat that Rotaks woman, have Kratos lead us to Sam's dorm room, and make a pact with him. On top of that, we've got to figure out who's out for world domination, stop Pronyma and…"

"We should obtain the Ultimate Power of the Golden Lawn Chair so that we can fight Rotaks," said Yuan.

"So why do we need to find out who's trying to dominate the world?" asked Zelos.

"Well, we don't want the world to be dominated while we're trying to save it."

"You have a point."

"Of course I do. I'm the damned hero."

Yuan stared at Magnius for a moment. "Yeah…"

"What is it, Minstrel/Sammich Maker/Totally Kickass Former Angel of Cruxis?" asked Kvar.

"Well, Magnius has been far too smart lately. Ever since Rotaks inflated that Dora the Explorer thing…he's been bringing up good points and being smart, except back when he was following Kratos' feathers." Yuan pulled out a sammich and hit into it. "It's…odd. This sammich…it has mayonnaise on it. Oh yeah. And it's also odd how he's so smart."

Zelos shrugged. "Well, whatever. Honestly I thing we should be worrying more about Little Mr. Crossdresser over there." He pointed at Regal. Regal waved.

"Well, as long as his mouth stays shut, there shouldn't be a problem," said Kvar.

"No, no, no, I mean, does he KNOW things?" Zelos looked at Regal. "He looks like he KNOWS things."

"Like what?"

"Like, um…I don't know."

"Perhaps we should melt the glue on his face," said Kratos. "Fire Ball!" A moment later, "I'm so sorryyyyyyy! First Aid!"

Regal said, "Like, totally thank you! So, like, anyway, what do you, like, need?"

"Um…" Everyone was caught off guard by the valley girl act. "Well," said Zelos, the first to recover (I wonder why ), "we need to know a lot of things. First of all, you heard Magnius. Do you know anything about any of the things on that insanely long list of things we need to do that was up about half a page ago?"

"Well, I know who's out to, like, dominate the world."

"Didn't we meet someone babbling about dominating the world?" asked Yuan thoughtfully.

"Yeah, Samantha."

"No…I mean…someone else…back in the single-digit chapters…"

"Anyway, ignoring them," said Zelos, "so…who's trying to take over the world?"

"Genis, Presea and Raine," said Regal.

"Good job, you creepy transvestite man! You are free to go!"

Regal stayed put.

"Um…you can go now."

"Oh, I know. But I love you all so much that I, like, don't want to leave you!"

Kratos said, "Well, looks like we've got yet another member of this group. Hey, speaking of which, where's Forcystus? After the Dora Incident WHICH WILL BY THE WAY NEVER BE SPOKEN OF AGAIN!" He stopped to take a breath. "He kind of disappeared."

Yuan shrieked suddenly.

"What is it?" asked Kvar.

"That badger…wasn't really a badger! It was…Forcystus!"

Everyone stared at him, their eyes twitching at the thought of perhaps the stupidest plot twist ever. "Well," said Zelos, "it looks like we're going to have to stop Genis, Presea and Raine."

"Are you sure that this is enough?" asked Kvar, looking around the group. "I mean, first of all, Raine's a healer, so we'd have to be able to inflict enough damage to take her out quickly. Secondly, Genis can cast some kickass spells that can take out multiple people. Third, Presea's got a pretty good range on her axe, although she does move kind of slowly…but she can take out multiple people as well. Then there's the fourth and most important problem…NOBODY here knows how to get to where they're hiding."

"That's where I come in!" said a female voice. "I ran into Genis a while ago. I know where their lair is."

"And just who ARE you?" asked Magnius.

"My name is Sheena Fujibayashi, Summoner!" She posed. Then she looked terribly sad. "But unfortunately, all the Spirits ran off to party, get drunk and get laid except for Gnome…" She noticed Shadow, who was still there. She slapped a seal on his forehead. "And Shadow," she amended.

"Ya know what's sad?" asked Yuan suddenly. "She's the first female in our group."

Zelos shivered. "Eeeeew, girls."

Regal also shivered. "Eeeeew, straight men." (A/N: If I've said it once, I've said it a million times. I MEAN NO HARM.)

"WHERE?" yelled Kratos. "DUCK FOR COVER!" Everyone stared. "Jeez, I'm just kidding."

"Oh, okay," said everyone. "Although, you know what?" asked Kvar. "Why didn't we notice the badger was Forcystus?"

"I don't know," said everyone else.

"Makes us seem stupid," said Kvar.

"Well, at any rate, we need to find them now."

Sheena pointed. "They're in this direction. Follow me!"

-A Colette Moment-

Rotaks was pacing. "It's a good thing…that Kratos was there…I mean…it's all…"

"How do you know Daddy?" asked Lloyd.

"Lloyd. Has Kratos ever mentioned someone named Anna?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, yeah, I'm not her. Just to clarify. So, Anna was your mother…correct?"

"Yeah!"  
"That makes her my sister-in-law."

"You mean you're—"

"Kratos' older twin sister."

"So, are you an angel too?"

"No…" Rotaks sighed. "You could call me a human, I suppose."

"You suppose? What does that mean?" asked Lloyd, referring to the definition of the word 'suppose.'

Rotaks, however, misunderstood. "…The Ultimate Power of the Golden Lawn Chair…is very powerful. So powerful, in fact, that it stops TIME. For me, time has stopped. I can't ever move on with my little brother."

"Then…"

"That's right, Lloyd. I will live forever. Such is the curse."

"Actually, uh, I wasn't all that interested in your boring life. I just want to know why you want to kill my dad."

"…Oh." Rotaks blinked. "Well, it's because…"

"Rotaks! I need you in here."

"I'm sorry, Lloyd. Colette…requires my assistance." She left.

"Wait!" called Lloyd. "What does 'require' mean?"

-Back to the Group-

"Are you absolutely sure you're going the right way?"

"Yeah! I'd recognize that ri—"

"That what?"

Sheena was staring at the river. "Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch…"

"Tryin' to be a maraca?" asked Zelos.

"Ch…CHICKEN!" growled Sheena. She pulled a chicken out of a rock(?) and started to drown it. "It's dying," she whispered as bubbles rose to the surface.

"What the hell?" screamed Kratos. "What about…"

"Sheena stood, clearing her throat. "Sorry about that." She looked around. "Anyway, it's this way."

Kratos started crying. "We…we're going fribbledehoozot but Lloyd's not here! Oh, it's not fair!"

Yuan sighed. "Reassemble the band."

So they did.

"Oooooooooooohhhhhhhh poor Kratos…his son has been taken agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain…by Colette the eeeeeeeeeeeeevil…agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain…and noooooooooooooooooow we are gooooooooooooing fribbledehoooooooooooooooooooooozot but Lloooooooooooyd is not heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere!" He continued with his mournful song.

"Hey," whispered Sheena. "We're here!"

They were standing in front of the Sylvarant Zoo.

"Um…"

"Oh, it looks weird, but this is it, trust me. Y'see, they have armies of Crush Tortoises, Bomb Seedlings and Summon Spirits."

"Summon Spirits?" yelled everyone else.

"They have, in alphabetical order, Aska through Maxwell, with the exceptions of Gnome and Efreet."

"Well, where's Efreet?"

"Um…you don't wanna know."

"That means, let's see…Aska, Celsius, Luna, Maxwell…"

"That should be it."

"Damn," said Kvar.

"Wait," said Yuan. "If we are counting Fenrir as a Summon Spirit—"

Sheena nodded.

"Then what about him?" he finished.

"Hey, stop breathing down my neck," complained Regal. "It's gonna, like, mess up my hair."  
"Regal, you're last in line," said Kratos.

Everyone turned around.

"FENRIR!"

**To be continued…**

**So how was that everyone? Please review! 157 reviews (or more, hint hint) will get the next chapter up when it's finished. Okay? Okay! See you all later! **


	19. And Where Was Fifi in All of This?

**I have fantastic news, everybody! On the eleventh of December, 2005, this fic celebrated its first birthday! I tried to get the 19th chapter up in time, but that was when I was working on the winter play for school, so I couldn't. So, after a long, unneeded delay, I present to you…TRDi4000Y, THE NINETEENTH CHAPTER!**

"Umm, nice doggy," said Kvar nervously.

"Since when is Fenrir a dog?" asked Yuan.

"Shut up!"

Fenrir growled.

Sheena looked at it oddly. "What do you mean, 'I'm not going to rip your faces off and eat your lungs yum yum'?"

Kratos said, "Well, that's certainly not helping my…er…security."

Magnius swore. "This is all that damned Kvar's fault!"

"Why is it MY fault?"

"Because I said so! Now shut up!"

Yuan sighed. "Out of the way." He stepped forward and stared at Fenrir. "Would you like a sammich?"

Fenrir growled again.

Sheena whacked Yuan on the head. "DON'T TALK ABOUT FOOD!"

Fenrir bared his fangs at Yuan.

"Hey, what's going on out there?" called a voice. "Who dares intrude upon our fortress?"

"Um, I hate to break it to you, but this is a zoo," said Zelos.

"Yes I know, isn't it like a zoo, with all the deadly, evil animals running around?"

"NO, I mean it's actually a zoo!"

There was silence. Then, "Shut up."

Sheena called out, "Presea, get Fenrir away."

"And if I do?"

Sheena looked at her (or where she thought Presea was) tearfully. "B-but…I'm too young to die! How can you even consider _not_ calling him off?"

Zelos sighed. "I hate women."

"Very well, then," said Presea. "Fenrir, off."

The wolf turned to leave but growled one last time before doing so.

"By the way, how'd you get an army of Summon Spirits?" asked Kratos.

"Oh, a little money goes a long way," Presea said, feeling rather proud of herself.

"Um…Summon Spirits don't NEED money," said Sheena.

"Silence!"

"Yes, your Overlord of Stupidity."

"SILENCE!"

Once everyone was silent, which was not hard considering more than half of the group had not realized that Fenrir had left and were playing dead, Presea continued, "What brings you here?"

"Well, um, we were just wondering…could you, like, stop trying to take over the world?"

"Why would you ask me that?"

"Well, um, we're currently trying to SAVE the world, but if you conquer it, then, um…it would all be for like nothing."

"So?"

"So we would app…appre…appreciate…is that the right word?"

"Yes," said Kratos.

"We would appreciate it if you would stop trying to take over the world because it's busy being saved," finished Magnius.

"What are you saving it from?" asked Presea coolly.

"Um…sanity," said Kvar.

"No, INsanity," Magnius corrected him.

Presea appeared to be thinking about it. "No."

"What? Why not?"

"Your petty little 'plan' is not a good reason enough for me to stop. Besides, OUR plan has already been put into motion."

Genis showed up randomly. "Presea, the badger is refusing to do its job."

"HA!" said Kratos, suddenly inspired. "That badger is a 'Mega Ultra Hyper Spiffy Badger Bomb Boom-Boom Yaaay!' and it will explode unless you give it back to us!"

"Trickery!" gasped Presea. "I thought that badger was just stupid!"

"Does it hop around and go 'Precioussssss, Precioussssss'?" asked Yuan.

"Yeah," said Genis. "I mean, yes, but what is it to you?"

"Well, that's the—" Kratos took a breath. "'Mega Ultra Hyper Spiffy Badger Bomb Boom-Boom Yaaay!'"

"Genis!"

"Yes?"

"Get that badger back to the visitors. Then, send their…escort." She laughed maniacally.

"Ok, sure, whatever," said Genis, not sure what she meant.

After a few moments, Rodyle came out with Forcystus on a leash. "PRECIOUS!" screamed Forcystus as he hugged Kvar tightly.

"AAAAGH! GAY MAN!" screamed Zelos like a transvestite.

"Where?" yelled Regal, looking around.

Just then, someone came out of the shadows.

"Guh-huh! I'm Uncle Happity Doo and I'll be yer happy escort to the exit! Follow me, my little bundles of joy!"

Yuan's eye twitched.

"Now don't be shy! Come along, my precious little muffin-wuffins—"

"PRECIOUS!" shrieked Forcystus. "You hides the precious! Where you hides it? WHERE?" He started to strangle Uncle Happity Doo.

"Down, Forcystus, down boy!" said Magnius.

Forcystus let go of Uncle Happity Doo and slunk off somewhere.

Uncle Happity Doo smiled brightly. "Aww, shucks. I guess he really loves me! Maybe I should invite him over for a…SLEEPOVER," he said creepily.

"Oooh, that's scary," said Kvar.

"GENIS!" yelled Presea. "That's _not_ what I meant!"

"Well what DID you mean then?"

"You know, the ARMY…"

"Oh yeah."

"When I say 'escort' all creepy like that, it means to get the army out here!"

Uncle Happity Doo said, "Would you like to be my FWEND?"

"NO!" screamed everybody else.

"Aw." Uncle Happity Doo seemed rather sad.

Kratos had had enough of this. "When can we get out of here and look for my son?" he roared.

"Oh…we kind of forgot about that," said Yuan. "But we need to make sure these guys don't foil us where we stand!"

"First, outside, inside, last!" chanted Zelos.

"What the hell?" asked everyone except Genis.

Genis said, "That's the FOIL method-system-of-torture used by algebra teachers worldwide."

"Oh…"

Regal thought that was catchy. "First, outside, inside, last!" he chanted, doing a provocative series of poses to go along with it.

Zelos screamed and squirted lemon juice in his eyes. "IT BURNS, BUT IT IS HEAVEN COMPARED TO THAT!" he screamed.

Yuan patted him on the head. "Have a sammich," he said comfortingly.

Perhaps we should just skip this part of the storyline and change the scene to something worthwhile.

"ANNABELLE!" everyone yelled (refer to chapter 6, "Neither Sylvarant nor Tethe'alla").

Aye, 'tis I. It has been so long.

"Well, what was that about skipping?" demanded Yuan. "This is where I get to speak Italian."

Okay, I won't. Jeez.

"YES!" Yuan danced disco, and his spiffy cape turned pink. Kratos fell to the floor, twitching. Yuan started singing, "Lei amerebbe un sammich? Certo lei amerebbe un sammich! Sammiches sono il migliore! Lei mangerà un sammich! Questo è la pubblicità manifesta! Comprare le cose da Namco! Le favole di rocce di Symphonia! Spingerò questo sammich giù la sua gola se lei fa non l'acquisto di esso! Morire! Morire morire morire! Da na na na na! Do de do de do!"

Everyone stared at him. Kratos volunteered, "Morire means 'die.'"

"Oh…"

Yuan looked devastated. "How did you know that?"

Kratos shrugged. "I took a class."

"A class…?"

Kratos nodded. "There are classes for just about everything."

Kvar's eyes shone. "Even making marbles out of grass?"

"Sure!" Kratos gave the camera a thumbs-up.

Magnius asked, "Wait. What camera?"

"You bring up an excellent point."

Zelos looked around shiftily. "You know what? I think Genis and Presea have escaped on us."

And sure enough, they had. Magnius stamped his foot angrily. "That's it! We have to take the fight to them!"

Yuan whipped out a sammich. "Then let's go!" He started to dance.

Kratos pointed towards a wall. "They went thataway!"

"No, they didn't," said Sheena. "They went thisaway!" She pointed at the opposite wall.

"Maybe they went hereaway!" said Kvar, pointing at a different wall.

"Or maybe they went through that bright red door that says 'Secret Escape Place,'" said Magnius, sighing.

"Oh my gosh!" yelled everyone else.

Magnius opened the door, which was miraculously unlocked. He quickly closed it. "Everybody…? We've got a problem on our hands."

"Which would be…?"

"All the Summon Spirits from Aska to Maxwell excluding Gnome and Efreet and including Fenrir are in there."

Everyone stared at him.

"No, I'm serious."

"We know, we're waiting for a brilliant plan from our leader," chorused everyone.

Magnius whipped out his staff…weapon…thing. "WE FIGHT!"

Forcystus hopped up and down. "Precious, precious!"

"No, Forcystus, say 'Cyclone, Cyclone'!"

"Okay!"

With that, Magnius kicked the door down. "All right, who wants some?" he roared.

"Oh, are you the pizza guy?" asked Celsius. "We've been waiting for ages."

"Literally," added Maxwell.

"Well, it's all your fault, Celsius," said Luna. "If you hadn't given him the wrong address we wouldn't still be waiting."

"Excuuuuuuuuse me for mispronouncing 'seven'!"

"How the hell can you DO that?" asked Maxwell.

"I'm…special that way," said Celsius carefully.

"Excuse me," said Magnius in his dignified accent, "but may we pass?"

Aska looked at him with one of its heads. "Shut up," it said in its mindspeak.

"But…we need to pass."

Aska's other head looked at the first. "Stop being so stupid! You're such an ass."

"Oh, really? You think so? BRING IT!"

The heads started viciously pecking at each other. "Oh, god! God, it burns! Oh, oh, stop it! That was my eye! And that means it was your eye! Ouch! Ow! Not the wing, not the wing! Stop! Damn you, stop it!"

Sheena slapped seals on both of their heads. "Stop fighting!"

"Okay," said the second head.

Fenrir looked up sleepily at them and went back to sleep.

Kvar pointed at his pajamas. "Do you like my pajamas?" he asked Luna.

Luna stared at him for a moment. "No."

Kvar was in shock. "What? You…don't like my pajamas? W-why…?"

Magnius yelled, "WE NEED TO PASS!"

Celsius looked at him. "You could have said that in the first place. Jeez."

Yuan sighed. "Magnius has communication issues."

"I can tell."

Magnius' eye twitched. "I give up."

Forcystus pointed at another door. "More door!" he said.

Da-dum-chinnnnnnnng.

Magnius pushed this one open, too. "Genis and Presea!" he yelled.

In the back of the room, Rodyle said, "Great. I'm not even important enough to be mentioned by a Desian of all people."

"Desian? What is the word of which you speak?"

"You know…I can't remember."

Raine walked in. "Whoa! What are you people doing here?"

"We're here to fight for our freedom!"

"Funny, you don't look like our slaves."

There was an awkward silence.

"Um…we're not your slaves," said Magnius, recovering quickly. "We just want you to stop taking over the world. We're trying to save it, and if you take it over…"

Raine thought for a minute. "You say you are saving the world…let's make a deal."

"A deal?"

"We want Flanoir and all of its island, Altamira and…Ymir Forest."

Presea gaped at her. "Are you mad, Raine?"

"Yes. I'm quite mad. But the thing is, Presea, Flanoir and its island is huge, Altamira is an island with a stranglehold on trade, and Ymir Forest is where those damned racist elves live. So we can have people to torture, a large base and economic security to eventually take the rest of the world by storm!"

"But it's so cold there."

Raine was silent. "Shut up!"

Yuan got all teary-eyed. "But…my base is on Flanoir's island."

Magnius noticed Yuan's tears. "Raine, can you leave the Renegade base to Yuan?"

"Damn! Sure, why not?"

Yuan hugged her. "Thank you, Auntie Raine!"

Raine bit him. In the shoulder.

While Yuan was crying in the background about his diseased shoulder, Zelos produced a barrel out of nowhere. "This will be our contract." He wrote out, "We dutifully promise to give Flanoir and its surrounding island, Ymir Forest and Altamira to the Evil Empire of PUAWAATOW."

Both Magnius and Raine signed it. However, Raine had failed to notice one detail:

The microscopic "NOT" right after "promise."

Zelos pocketed the barrel (!) and strolled off, whistling.

Regal looked around. "It's too serious in here."

Yuan stood up. "Yes, yes it is!" He sucked in his breath. "Now I must do THIS!" He sat down in a chair. "PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!" He started to dance in his chair, singing the peanut butter jelly song.

"DEAR LORD, IT BURNS!" screamed Zelos, squirting lemon juice in his eyes again.

"Doesn't that hurt?" asked Regal.

"Almost as much as looking at you."

Just then, Forcystus said, "Cyclone, Cyclone!"

The whole place was ripped apart by the combined power of two Cyclone spells. Everyone was knocked unconscious, and when they woke up, something became painfully clear.

With the exception of Kratos, all of them had been separated from each other and were entirely alone.

Kratos ended up unconscious in the bushes in front of Rotaks and Colette's base.

**Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! How is Kratos going to handle this by himself? Now that's he's close to his beloved Lloydie, he'll be uber-happy, but what about…ROTAKS? And where is everyone else? Did PUAWAATOW get separated too? What will they do to Zelos if they find out he screwed with the contract? Will Regal meet Origin again on the road? How'd they get separated in the first place? How does Kuchinawa play into all of this? Why haven't I used Mithos lately? Where is Pronyma now, anyway? Why the hell did PUAWAATOW think Forcystus was a badger in the first place? Where IS Efreet? What about the other Summon Spirits? Will Kratos and Shadow ever get to go Chosen Hunting again? Where WAS Fifi in all of this? All of these questions and more will be answered…**

**And now, a 5-sentence sneak peek at "The Randomest Day in 4,000 Years: Chapter 20," a true breathtaking landmark for me, a humble teen in Connecticut with no life. Each sentence is from a different scene.**

"Kuchinawa was behind all of it?" gasped Magnius…………

"Ready the Mana Cannon…aim…fire…no wait…let me get a soda first…"

"It's been so long since I've seen you!" squealed Sheena in joy…………

Kratos hesitated, and then knocked the door down, revealing a completely hideous beast inside…………

"Give me a straight answer, Kvar…why do we have to go to Luin at a time like this?" asked Magnius angrily…………

**Coming (hopefully) soon from Toni Productions…**


	20. The Plot of Kuchinawa and Volt?

**Well, here it is. A truly momentous occasion. After a bit more than a year, I bring to you…the twentieth chapter…CHAPTER 20! I'm ecstatic. Really, I am. I'm in shock it's lasted this long.**

Disclaimer (because I haven't had one in a while): You thought you got rid of me, didn't you! Ha! You didn't! I'm still back and I only own my ideas and the wonderful song in this fic! (You'll see later)

Kratos woke up to discover a thorn in his head. "Ow! A thorn!" He thought for a minute and burst into tears. "The thorn hurt meeeeee! I wish my daddy were still alive to hug me…"

He sat up and suddenly noticed his surroundings. "My god. I'm back…HERE." There was dramatic silence. Dum-dum-dummmmmmm. "I'm in…FLANOIR!"

"No you're not, you asshole!" called some random person.

"Oh, okay!" called Kratos.

He stood up. "Well. If I'm not in Flanoir then I must be in…Luin!" He did a dance.

Just then the security cameras that had magically materialized spotted him and shot lasers at him. He did a dance and all the cameras blew up. "My dancing isn't that bad…is it?"

"Yeah, it is," said the same random person.

MEANWHILE IN FLANOIR…(No, I mean it this time)

Sheena shivered. "It's a good thing I cast Fire magic." There was a pause. "Wait a minute…"

A passing Penguinist looked at her funny. "No, no you don't."

"Oh…that's a shame."

The Penguinist had a sudden idea. "Hey! Why don't you join us? JOIN US! Then you will always be warm!"

Sheena thought for a minute. "Hmm…find my friends or stay warm…find my friends or stay warm…well…I'm sure my friends won't mind." So she walked off with the Penguinist, who was readying the knives already.

MEANWHILE IN PALMACOSTA…

Magnius sat up. "Whoa! What am I doing here?" He stood up. "Palmacosta. My old home." He looked around. "Just being here inspires such a joy as I have never felt…"

A man who was walking by suddenly stopped. "What are you doing here? We chased you out!"

Magnius looked confused. "I haven't been here in days…"

The civilian rolled up his sleeves. "It's time to kick ass, honey!" he called to his wife.

"Thanks to you, the whole city had to be rebuilt!"

A child threw rocks at him.

Magnius sighed. "What on earth are you talking about? I—"

"Perhaps you remember _this!"_ said a person with a laptop. He showed the screen, which was set to Chapter 8 of a story called "The Randomest Day in 4,000 Years." In it, Kratos was masquerading as Magnius and burning down Palmacosta.

"But…but that's _Kratos,"_ said Magnius.

"He's trying to fool us with lies!" yelled a woman.

That was it. The civilians all got out their pitchforks and proceeded to knock the shit out of the poor Brit.

MEANWHILE IN LUIN…

Kvar sat in the fountain, his puppy-dog pajamas getting soaked. He didn't mind. He didn't mind at all. He had just seen the most beautiful woman in the world. He'd met her several times before, but had never noticed her beauty.

Her name was Origin. Such a wonderful name. She used to hang out with Regal, but now she was all alone. Kvar wanted nothing more than to ease her pain. It must have been hard, traveling all alone in that miniskirt and tight shirt with a plunging neckline. Those 7-inch stilettos must have hurt as well.

Sighing, he stood. He had to find his friends. And maybe Origin, if he was lucky. But he had a quest…he cursed his fate.

MEANWHILE IN TRIET…

Genis, Raine and Rodyle had somehow ended up together. The first thing Genis noticed was the absence of his queen-to-be, Presea. He was furious. He was so furious he cast Indignation on Rodyle seventeen times before he felt better! Then he abruptly fainted due to heatstroke.

Raine shrieked, "OMG! MY LITTLE BROTHER! What have they done to you? Who will get my coffee now?" So she ran into the desert village and started hitting people with her staff. "Die!" SMACK. "Suffer!" SPLAT. "You will wish you were never born!" THWONK. Then, THUD! Someone had thrown an abandoned love child at Raine, effectively knocking her out cold. The abandoned love child began to cry. The Trietians walked away, completely ignoring the suffering half-elves.

MEANWHILE IN MIZUHO…

The Holy Barrel Man jerked himself awake. "Oh no! I'm in a village of savages!" he said. He looked around. There was not a barrel to be seen. "Savages," he confirmed. He stood and reached into his pocket. Good, it was still there. In his pocket was the long-forgotten Key of the Abyss. He'd taken it back after the Victoria Scenario, but what do you use a Key of the Abyss for? He stared at it, puzzled. "Oh well." He pocketed the key again and went on his way, headed in the direction of Hima.

MEANWHILE IN HIMA…

Presea stood. "Fifi, it seems we're in Hima. Stupid mountain hicks."

There is no need to describe the next scene as it involved innocent people dying at the hands of a short axewoman and a monkey wearing a frilly white dress with snarling, rabid teeth the size of your dad's old-fashioned cell phone.

MEANWHILE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN SOMEWHERE…

Volt had done it. He'd escaped. Finally! He was free from that accursed temple. His orb-like body pulsed in arrogance. He'd never be made a fool of again. He was going to show those humans who was boss. That was exactly why he had decided to use seven Renegades and the Mana Cannon. Of course, it had taken a while to actually find the Mana Cannon. He had required the services of a man who was exiled from Mizuho for being a stupid, traitorous, selfish loser. His name was Kuchinawa. Kuchinawa had not only located the Mana Cannon but also Kratos' long-lost sister Rotaks and set her on the course to evil, providing her with the power to destroy everything.

Kuchinawa was a genius by himself.

Volt pondered what to do with Kuchinawa. He was clearly too dangerous to leave by himself once the Mana Cannon had been fired.

He could always Indignation him to death.

Volt liked that idea. He would have smiled, but the Summon Spirits took away his mouth after he tried to have a 200-year conversation with Maxwell. Damn it all.

BACK WITH KRATOS…

Kratos stared at the building in front of him. He had destroyed the security cameras with his crap dancing, but now what? He didn't know whose building it was.

Then his Daddy Senses tingled, and he knew exactly who was in that building.

INSIDE THE BUILDING…

Lloyd was sobbing. "Daddy, Daddy," he called, "where are you? Daaaaaaaaddy! Where are you?"

OUTSIDE THE BUILDING…

Kratos steeled himself. This was going to be tough. He'd have to do it on three. "One…three…no wait. One…five…four…two…six…twenty-nine and seven fifteenths…three!"

Kratos hesitated, and then knocked the door down, revealing a completely hideous beast inside.

"Vidarr!" he growled. (A/N: For those of you that don't remember, Vidarr is the guy you fight in the boss battle where you meet Kratos, which I was completely capable of winning myself, dammit.)

Vidarr growled right back. But something wasn't right about Vidarr.

"Hey wait a minute. You didn't have three noses before…"

"Do you like what I've done with him?" asked Rotaks from a doorway.

"All you did was give him two extra noses."

"Yes, well…sh-shut up!"

"Oh, do I have to?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

Rotaks continued, "Anyway, I know why you're here. Why don't we make a deal?"

Kratos glared at Rotaks. "Give me back my son."

"I'll give you your son if you join my cause. Working for Master isn't so bad."

"You mean Colette?"

"No, working for her is hell. But I'm working for her under orders of the master, who pays quite well."

"I don't need money. I'm a friggin' Cruxis operative. Or at least I used to be."

"So you don't mind if your son is killed for an experiment?"

Kratos growled. "Let…him…go."

Suddenly Yuan burst into the room carrying everyone else, even those who were evil. "I didn't want to bore the audience with another serious moment, so I went and collected everyone."

"Oh, thanks," said Kratos and Rotaks.

"No, wait. Sheena's missing," said the Holy Barrel Man.

Yuan looked confused. "What? She…"

He was right.

Where was Sheena?

MEANWHILE IN FLANOIR…

The Penguinist had led Sheena back to his cave. Sheena looked around and saw someone but was not sure of his identity. She continued to the back of the cave to get a better look. Her eyes took a minute to adjust to the light, but when they did, she could clearly see the face of none other than Kuchinawa.

"It's been so long since I've seen you!" squealed Sheena in joy. She latched onto his arm. "So you wanted to stay warm too, huh?"

"Sheena," rasped Kuchinawa in his deep, manly voice. "Get out of here before they…"

The Penguinist turned on the ninjas, a mad glint in his eyes. "Do you know why we live out here in Flanoir?"

"Cause you're penguins?" suggested Sheena.

The Penguinist paused. "Hey, that's a good reason…but anyway, there's another reason."

Kuchinawa rasped, "They're part of a cult of evil. They eat random passers-by. Then the soul of the victim is transferred to a penguin suit, where they are forced to join this cult. As for Penguin_ers_…they are the same…they just live in warmer places."

"And they're mango-colored," said Sheena.

"Um…yeah."

The Penguinist whipped out his knives. "We've kept this ninja in here for a full hour. He's the longest survivor."

Kuchinawa whispered to Sheena, "Let's run. When he advances, I want you to summon something. Anything."

"The only ones I can summon are Shadow, Gnome, Aska and Efreet at the moment. The others all ran off before I could seal them."

"What about Volt?"

"No clue where he is. Can't summon him. Wouldn't Efreet be better anyway, since he's fire and Penguinists are ice?"

"Hmm. Makes sense. All right, then."

Kuchinawa thought, 'Damn. If she knew where he was…I could rid myself of her and this stupid bird.'

Sheena got into position and summoned Efreet. "I call upon you, Efreet, because I forgot the incantation! So get over here you sack of lard! Angry lard!"

Efreet popped up in a puff of purple smoke. He was rocking out. He was rocking out to the Backstreet Boys.

Sheena gasped. "What the hell are you doing, Efreet? The Backstreet Boys are _not_ head-banging material! You are such a loser!"

Efreet stopped. "Sorry. What can I kill?"

"You can kill that bird right there," said Sheena, pointing at the Penguinist.

"Sorry, Mick," said Efreet. "Good luck in the afterlife."

"Oh, it's okay. Nice seeing you again."

"Yes, it was. Sorry again. Now, burn!" There was a huge stream of fire and Mick the Penguinist was destroyed.

"Thank you Efreet," said Sheena. "Now, Kuchinawa, let's go!"

Kuchinawa nodded and followed Sheena.

They had gotten back to the town when Yuan appeared in a cloud of pink sparkles. "Ah! There you are, Sheena. Come on, we're all at Rotaks' place."

"Oh." Sheena looked at Kuchinawa. "Can my friend come, too?"

"Um…wasn't he, like, exiled?"

"No!" said Sheena. "He's my bestest friend EVER!" She hugged Kuchinawa. Kuchinawa glared down at her.

"Okay!" said Yuan. "Eat this sammich and you will be teleported to where the others are! You can have one too, Kuchi-Kuchi."

"What the hell?" yelled Kuchinawa. "Kuchi-Kuchi?"

"It's my nickname for you. Zelos is the Holy Barrel Man, Lloyd is Lloydie, you're—"

"Okay, I get it."

Kuchinawa and Sheena ate their sammiches and, true to Yuan's word, they were teleported back to Rotaks' place. Yuan appeared next to them a moment later. Yuan took out a lyre. "Now then. The audience is assembled. I will sing a song. A song that the story of Kratos inspired. It is the story of how Kratos met us."

Actually, it wasn't. But it was pretty impressive. It went like this:

_Before he met up with the Magnius clan,_

_He decided to issue an alcohol ban_

_And was beaten to death by a villager fair_

_But he was resurrected by purple air_

_Kratos decided to dance until noon_

_But he accidentally blew up the moon_

_And he laughed and he laughed well into the night_

_Where he got into another fight_

_But he one this one, for he threw a plate_

_At the man and finished with "Blame your fate!"_

_Which caused all his fangirls to faint and to scream_

_And Kratos escaped to a balancing beam_

_Where he fell off and nearly broke his arm_

_It was there he decided to start up a farm_

_It had cows, geese and chickens, vegetables too_

_But he wanted to grow a legume that was blue…_

At this point, Rotaks interrupted with, "Silence, you fool!"

Yuan was sad. "But I didn't finish my song. I only got to the sixteenth line. The song is 141 lines long." (A/N: It really is. I actually wrote it.)

There was a sudden long scream from outside the building. Everyone except Yuan had a sudden feeling of unspeakable dread.

Botta burst into the room.

"GREETINGS! I AM BOTTA!"

Everyone screamed except Yuan, who turned to Botta and waved. "Hi, Botta!"

Everyone screamed again.

Yuan said, "Tsk, tsk. You are all so mean to poor Botta."  
There was a third scream.

"Now honestly. If you're just going to scream at him all day, then I might as well just—"

Rotaks snarled, "Enough of this! Master! Where is Volt?"

Kuchinawa stepped forward. "He is currently preparing to fire the Mana Cannon at Altamira, Rotaks."

"Good, good."

"What the hell?" yelled everyone.

"What's the Mana Cannon?" asked Kvar in the background. "I don't remember."

Kuchinawa smirked. "You fools. I've been the brains of this operation from the start. Why do you think Sam moved to college? Because I convinced him to go get an education! Why did Victoria attack you? Because without her beloved Sam, she went insane! Who was it that posed as an innocent monkey-seller?"

Presea nodded. "I thought you looked familiar."

"So…Kuchinawa was behind all of it?" gasped Magnius. "But…but that's not possible!"

"Weren't you listening?" asked Kuchinawa.

"Sorry."

The LCD screen behind Rotaks crackled and it broadcast a picture of Volt, his eyes glowing malevolently. He said something and Raine translated.

"Hello, pawns. I'll bet you didn't think there was a plot! Well, there is! Oh, there is. And it is all my fault. See, I'm preparing to fire the Mana Cannon. I've recruited seven Renegades to help me."  
"How could you?" cried Yuan.

"Silence." Volt turned away from the screen. "Ready the Mana Cannon…aim…fire…no wait…let me get a soda first…" He disappeared from the screen and came back a moment later, a Mountain Dew floating in front of him. "And…FIRE!"

The Mana Cannon fired. It zoomed right over Altamira and hit some place that nobody could see. "Damn," swore Volt. "It missed."

Yuan nodded. "See, Bobby is half blind."

"Bobby, you shall die!" Volt electrocuted Bobby.

The LCD screen shut off. Rotaks and Kuchinawa retreated inside the room where the computers were.

The building disappeared, leaving our heroes standing where it used to be.

Kratos stared up at the sky. "Lloyd…"

Yuan put a hand on Kratos' shoulder. "We'll find him soon."

Presea snorted. "Please. All this sap is slowly killing me from the inside! The next course of action should be deciding where we are going."

"We?" asked Magnius.

"Of course. That glowing ball of stupidity ruined our plan! We're not letting him get away with it. You have four new teammates."

"Oh, yeah. You, Genis, Raine and Rodyle."

"No…me, Genis, Raine and Fifi. Rodyle doesn't count."

"Oh," said everyone else.

Botta reached into Zelos' pocket and pulled out a fluffy bunny. "I shall accompany you as well!"

"NO," said everyone else except Yuan.

He left sadly.

Kvar raised his hand. "I say we go to Luin."

"Luin?" asked Magnius.

"I think the cannon hit somewhere around Luin," murmured Raine.

"Give me a straight answer, Kvar…why do we have to go to Luin at a time like this?" asked Magnius angrily.

"Well, there's this person there, see, and I want to talk to them…" He was thinking of his new love, Origin. "And maybe they will join our cause as well…so…um…why don't we try?"

Magnius sighed. "Off to Luin."

And so the larger group went off into the sunset…

But little did they know…

They were being followed.

**Well, there it is! It's horrendously late, but there it is! I'm terribly sorry! Please don't kill me! Exams and writer's block are the reasons, but they are both gone now! Actually I may have used up all my ideas in this chapter. I need a brainstorming session. Well, my loyal fans, there it is. Oh! By the way…if you want me to post the song that Yuan sang in its entirety, just let me know and I will. I'm aiming for at least five people to want it. It's 141 lines long, and it's in ballad style…**

**Anyway, thank you for staying with this for 20 chapters. I love each and every one of you.**

**Have a sammich, everybody! And stay tuned for Chapter 21!**


	21. Aftermath of Horror, Rotaks's Sorrow

**Hello! Not many of you seem to have noticed that the ballad is up! It's called "Teh Kratos Ballad of Doom"! Read it!**

**Anyway, I now bring you…Chapter 21. Nothing special about the number 21. Hmm. I'll think of something. Like…it's a 2, and then a 1! Ha ha ha!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Tales of Symphonia. I DON'T. Okay? Okay. I don't own the Crocodile Hunter either…Crikey! This is a sort of tribute to the Crocodile Hunter. In my own special way. Additionally, I don't own Chef Boyardee. You'll…you'll find out how he comes into play later.**

They were trudging through mud, sticks and other unpleasant things when suddenly Kratos said, "I don't think we're headed for Luin."

Everyone stopped and stared at him.

"I think we're headed for someplace else. Someplace different. Someplace no one here has ever heard of."

"Oh, no! Not Connecticut!" wailed Yuan. "The world is lost!"

Kratos whapped him on the head. "We're not going to Connecticut, you dumbass! We're going to…to…a place that must not be named!"

"Just tell us the name."

"I already said! It's a place that must not be named!"

Yuan nodded. "It is a horrible place. I have been there before."

Then everyone forgot what they were talking about.

Five minutes later, Magnius said, "I don't recognize this…" He pointed ahead.

Where Luin should have been, there was a huge pile of rubble in the shape of Botta's face.

Everyone except Raine gasped. Raine said, "If you had been paying attention in the last chapter, I said that it hit somewhere around Luin. It must have decimated the city."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU, DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM!" Yuan fell to his knees and wept.

Presea rolled her eyes. "It was not the Dewey Decimal system, you idiot. 'Decimated' means 'utterly destroyed.'"

"Oh," said everyone else except Raine and Genis.

They all ran forward and reached Luin. How? With a little help from the author.

Genis picked up a window, still perfectly intact. "It's a window…"

"A window," said everyone else in wonder.

"CRIKEY!" someone yelled from the shadows. "She's a big one, eh?"

Kratos drew his sword. "Who or what the hell are you?"

An Australian-looking man jumped out of the shadows. He was wearing sort of ugly khaki pants and a safari shirt. "I'm Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter! Crikey!" He wandered over to the window that Genis was still holding. "Now this window has a particularly beautiful frame, but watch out—she's a feisty one!"

"Feisty?" asked Yuan. He turned to Kratos. "He said the SECRET WORD!"

Kratos nodded in a manly fashion. "And you know what that means!"

There was a puff of sparkly smoke and Yuan and Kratos stood there wearing lumberjack outfits, complete with big beards, handlebar moustaches and ugly overalls. They started to do-si-do and sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" at the top of their lungs in German.

Everyone watched. It was an absolutely beautiful sight! During the mayhem, Steve Irwin set the window down and vanished in a puff of sparkles, off to hunt ghost crocodiles. The poor man…I still mourn him. As did everyone else, per the authoress.

Anyway, back to the storyline, if I can find it. Kvar was looking underneath every rock, every piece of rubble, for the vision of love and passion he had seen—Origin. (A/N: This is soooooooooo weird…) But she (A/N: cough HE cough) was nowhere to be found! Regal, too, had joined in the search. "Origin!" he called. "Origin! My friend! Where are you?"

There was a sudden shifting of rubble about ten feet from Regal. "I'm…I'm here," said a weak voice. "Help me…"

There was a moment of silence. "Um…where are you again?"

Origin sighed. "Never mind." He stood up, and about ten tons of rubble fell off of his back. He is king of the Summon Spirits after all. "Oh, Regal! I missed you!"

Kvar was sitting in a daze. There she was. The vision of beauty. She was so…so…

Origin noticed Kvar staring at him. "Oh. Have you somehow fallen in love with my womanly charms due to a total lack of common sense and gender differentiation on your part?"

Kvar only nodded dreamily.

Origin sighed again. "You see…I don't know how to explain this…but…I'm a man. I'm sorry. This happens a lot…"

Regal shook his head. "Poor, poor Origin."

Magnius strode towards Kvar. "Have you found your person yet, Kvar?"

"Yes. I have found her."

"Ah…no, I'm a man…"

Magnius whistled. "Wow. You've really screwed up this time, my pajamas-wearing lackey. Didn't know you swung that way."

"Huh?" Kvar was slowly realizing the tragic truth. "I…"

Regal nodded. "Origin and I are both male. But…but women's clothing is so much NICER…and, you know, you get a nice pleasant breeze down in your nether regions."

"THANK YOU for that CHARMING information," said Magnius sarcastically. "Now can we stop Volt from destroying something else? What if he actually manages to get Altamira this time? And we still have to find Sam! Get it together and let's go!" He was quite irritable. "Now come on. I know someone who lives around here who can transport us to their new base. And…hey, what's this?" He picked up a paper. It was a letter from Colette to Kuchinawa. It read as follows:

_Dear Kuchinawa,_

_It is that time. I'm sure you can guess what it is. It's the sole reason villains fail so many times. We're betraying you, I'm afraid. Rotaks and I both agree it's the best thing to do in this situation. You see, when I am Overlord of the World and All that is in it, Lloyd and I will have no use for you. We will be awaiting your reply at our base conveniently located in underground Mizuho. You know how to get there. All you have to do is perform an Irish jig and sing in Italian about how great you are in the middle of the chieftain's hut._

_Sincerely,_

_Colette Brunel and Rotaks Aurion_

Magnius stared at the note for a moment. "It's…it's pure genius! Nobody would ever think of combining Italian songs with Irish dances in a Japan-based society!"

Everyone else just nodded, completely lost.

Magnius pocketed the note. "So, let's go see that transporter, shall we? His name is Mooch the Priest. He's always demanding people escort him places but never pays them back."

"That guy…" Suddenly, Kratos, Raine, Genis, Sheena, Regal, Zelos and Presea got a furious look on their faces. It faded quickly, as they entirely forgot what happened. So the whole group went over to Mooch the Priest.

"Hello," said Mooch. "Would you like _me_ to transport _you_ this time?"

"HELL YES," said everyone. Magnius continued, "We need you to get us to Mizuho. Yes, we are aware it is in Tethe'alla. You'll get us there anyway."

"Okay!" said Mooch. He snapped his fingers…the world dissolved into mist…there was a sudden girlish shriek which was familiar to all but none could identify.

When everyone opened their eyes, they were standing in the middle of Mizuho, with two new people by their sides.

But wait. Two new people? You may be wondering why, if only Origin joined them, there are two new people. The girlish shriek they heard belonged to none other than the King of Disco himself, Mithos Yggdrasill! He stood in his tiny, childlike form, gazing around at the Japan-based society, confused. "How did I get here?"

Magnius snapped his fingers just like Mooch. "When Mooch transported us, you must have been in the general vicinity! Great. That's just great. We're stuck with a useless, genital-less, high-pitched, girly, rainbow-winged drama queen."

"Genital-less…?"

"Revert to your adult form."

Mithos did so. Magnius pointed at where his…um…organs should be. "You see? With this tight a material, you should be able to see a…bulge."

Genis said, "You'd better shut up, or we'll run over the rating."

"Sorry."

Mithos changed back to his child form. "So…what are we going to do?"

"That depends on Yuan." Magnius turned to him. "You are the only one who can speak Italian fluently enough to grant us access to the secret base. Will you do it?"

"I will." Yuan dashed behind a tree and changed into a kilt. "Let's go, bitches!"

"Ewwww," said half the people.

Yuan led the group to the chieftain's hut and stood in the very middle. He prepared to dance…

But there was inevitably another plot twist. A huge man appeared in front of Yuan. "Who a-dares intrude upon this-a secret base?" he asked in a stereotypical Italian accent which isn't meant to offend anyone.

Yuan gasped in horror. "CHEF BOYARDEE!"

Chef Boyardee smirked and twirled his mustache. "We shall-a have a kickass contest. You can go first, my non-a-Italian friend."

Yuan nodded and was silent for a moment. He started to jig and sang the following:

"Oh, sono Yuan, sono il migliore,

Posso mangiare diciassette torte intere senza ammalare

Ehi, quell'uomo senzatetto mangia la mia scarpa

Ritorna qui o fulminerò il suo asino non scappa, urlo a lei

Che è esso, Trixie, va lo prende! Sono il migliore e lei è

Perché lei non indossa un cappello di chef

Ed un chef uniforme

Ma lei è il Chef non di Prodigio

Cosí devo fare la muore

La-dee-da-dee-da

Heidi-heidi-ho

Eeeek di ho, prende quella spatola lontano da me la ha fatto

Come sa che era la mia debolezza?

Aiutarme, aiutarme,

Oh, ho vinto comunque la

Ringrazia, le mie ragazze di ventilatore del mondo!"

Chef Boyardee's eye twitched for a moment, still wielding the spatula mentioned in the song. Trixie (Yuan's nickname for Forcystus) was still gnawing on Chef Boyardee's hat. He dropped the evil spatula and stuttered, "K-k-k-k…"

Then he exploded.

A hole opened in the floor next to Yuan, who nodded triumphantly. "Let's go!"

Just then, their follower mentioned in the very last line of the last chapter jumped out. Can you guess who it is? Can you? CAN YOU? No? Didn't think so! Hah!

It was Abyssion. He was wearing a Santa hat, carrying a menorah and his arms were painfully tattooed with the seven symbols of Kwanzaa. "I am here to celebrate. Regretfully, all the authoress knows are Christmas carols, so I am here to present my rendition upon one of them.

**DECK THE HALLS WITH BRAINS AND EYEBALLS**

**DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DA-DIE-DIE-DIE**

**SEE THE MORTALS DIE AND FALL**

**DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DA-DIE-DIE-DIE**

**DEATH IS SUCH A PRETTY WORD**

**DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE**

**HELP I'M BEING ATTACKED BY BIRDS**

**DIE-DIE-DIE-DIE-DIEEEEE-DA-DIEEE-DIEEE-_DIEEEEEEEEEEE!"_**

Kratos stole the menorah from Abyssion and lit all the candles but one. He put the last candle in its place and hesitated to light it. His eyes filled with tears. "And now…in honor of L-Lloydie…I will LIGHT…THE FINAL…CANDLE!" He sobbed pathetically while he lit the candle.

Raine asked, "Are you Jewish?"

"No…but we want a non-denominational celebration. We don't want to get sued, do we?"

"Now we'll just speed up the Kwanzaa celebration, like we did with the Hanukkah one." They proceeded to light all seven candles in correct order. Then they all danced. Abyssion left, laughing merrily, taking his tattoos and Santa hat with him. He left the menorah there because Forcystus liked it.

Zelos sighed and put his hands in his pockets. He opened his eyes wide all of a sudden. "Hey! Hey, look! It's…I've found the Key to the Abyss!"

"Huh?" asked everyone else.

"You remember, way back with Victoria/Samantha? THAT Key to the Abyss."

"Oh."

And no, I had NOT heard of Tales of the Abyss (which I got today) when I wrote that. It's purely incidental. But still really, really cool!

"Go away, Annabelle."

Zelos looked at it. "So…what does it do…? We have to figure that out. It's important…somehow."

Kratos nodded. "Indeed."

Presea snatched it. "This is…this is…it is indeed the Key to the Abyss. If we insert it into the correct keyhole, it should grant us access to all the power we could ever need!"

Yuan had gone pale. "The…Ultimate Power of the Golden Lawn Chair!" He took the key from Presea. "This must never, ever see the light of day! It's bad enough Rotaks has it and Pronyma wants it. It's too dangerous!"

Everyone nodded solemnly. Then they jumped into the hole Yuan had revealed with his super-awesome dancing and singing.

When they got inside, they saw Rotaks sitting there. She appeared to be very, very bored. She glanced up at them. "Oh…hello…" She looked back down. "Uh…you…you might want to see this." She pressed a button on the monitor behind her. "This happened…not too long ago."

Colette and Kuchinawa were fighting. Lloyd was in the background, screaming for someone to help him, and rooting for Colette. After receiving a furious volley of blows, Kuchinawa fell to one knee. Colette smirked and kneed him in the stomach. "Did you think you could possibly beat me?" she asked. She snapped her fingers, like everyone else seems to be doing in this chapter. "Take him away." She turned to the screen. "Rotaks, 'Master' Kuchinawa has been taken care of."

Rotaks pushed the button again. "And…you also…might want to see this…"

Kratos frowned. "What's the matter, Rotaks?"

"N-nothing…"

This time the monitor showed Volt, sipping his Mountain Dew. Suddenly a group of Sylvarant's Chosen fanatics stormed the screen. One shoved Volt. His soda fell onto the computer he was floating in front of. His eyes widened. "Oh…oh, shit." All of the fanatics were electrocuted as Volt inched closer to the computer. "Oh, SHIT. I didn't know spilling my soda on the computer would summon an army of undead midgets, chipmunks, fake Easter bunnies and…CABLE TECHNICIANS!"

Rotaks shut the monitor off, coughing. "You've seen it. Now…go. Stop him. You…you must…Kratos."

"What's going on?" asked Kratos. "Rotaks…"

Rotaks smiled sadly. "The…the Ultimate Power…of the…Golden…L-Lawn Chair…it…stopped me from aging…this is true…but I used it too much. I fear…I am dying. My beloved little brother…please. Get your son back. Stop her…I…wanted to transfer myself to her body. She…has a certain…quality…that I lack. It would…allow her…and if I were to be transferred to her body, me…to withstand the power. So…I'm so, so sorry…b-brother…I…" She slumped forward.

Kratos was silent for a moment. "R-Rotaks?" He leaned forward and put his hand on her neck. "Rotaks…"

Everyone was silent. This was a serious moment.

"ZELOS!" roared Kratos all of a sudden. "Give me that Key!"

Zelos flinched. "You heard what Yuan said! If you—"

Kratos snatched it out of the Holy Barrel Man's hands. "Get me a barrel!" Zelos put one down with a thunk. "I…I hope this works." He put a hand on the barrel and thrust the Key of the Abyss into Rotaks's chest. There was a crackle of energy. When the light faded, Kratos was standing there with the Key of the Abyss in his hand. Rotaks's body was at his feet, suddenly a skeleton. Kratos turned and knelt next to the barrel. "Are you in there?"

The barrel jumped. "Kratos?"

"Rotaks!" Kratos hugged the barrel. "There! Now you _can't_ use the Ultimate Power of the Golden Lawn Chair! When I find a more adequate vessel, I can transfer you to it later, okay?"

Rotaks sighed, the planks in the barrel squeaking a little. "Their fortress is in Volt's old temple. He busted out a while ago, but now he's using it as his home base. You have to get there quickly if you want to rescue Lloyd. And…I've received word that Pronyma is on the move again. Be careful, all of you. I can't help you any more. That is all I know."

"Thank you, Rotaks!" chorused the entire group.

"Now…let's go rescue my son!"

**Wow. That was really serious for a second. Well, I hope you enjoyed it. It's about time my ass updated, huh? Now let's see if I can update any of my other fics, ha ha…thank you for reading. Please review!**

**What is in store for Rotaks? Can the group get to Lloyd in time…before a GIANT TIME BOMB goes off? What do Origin and Mithos have to offer to the group? Why is Zelos acting so strangely? Where did Rodyle go? These questions will be both ASKED and ANSWERED in the next installment, Chapter 22, "Can We Forgive a Traitor?"**

**I just realized…we've been going for TWO YEARS! Happy birthday, TRDi4000Y! I hope you guys still haven't gotten tired of it yet! I love you all! Thank you for staying with me for 2 years of craziness! Happy holidays and may you continue to enjoy this story!**


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